


Depression

by ayrangel1331



Category: Naruto
Genre: Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-06-15 19:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15420168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayrangel1331/pseuds/ayrangel1331
Summary: Post-war, ships are not central, just wanted the focus to be the idea that after the war, Naruto was not OkayTM so I decided to stick with canon ships (though I don't ship them) just to explore how they may have developed. Naruto blames himself for everything in this fic and it is cross posted on FF so that's why you're getting the whole thing in one big mess.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I somehow doubt that Naruto was just fine right off the bat after the war. In case you missed the warning in the description, this is an intense self harm/depression/anxiety/suicide fic. Do not sacrifice your well being to read this little thing. You are worth more than that. I guess I can't really judge though, because I do that. Thus, this fic. I love you guys. Please, please, please know that I love helping people even if all they need is listening ear. My inbox is always open and I check it often.

A/N: I somehow doubt that Naruto was just fine right off the bat after the war. I also have a desperate need to explore how some of the canonic couples got together. In case you missed the warning in the description, this is an intense self harm/depression/anxiety/suicide fic. Do not sacrifice your well being to read this little thing. You are worth more than that. I guess I can't really judge though, because I do that. Thus, this fic. I love you guys. Please, please, please know that I love helping people even if all they need is listening ear. My inbox is always open and I check it often. Updates will not be often or reliable. Read, review and enjoy!

Chapter One: Loss of appetite

Loss of appetite: a decrease in any of the instinctive desires necessary to keep up organic life; especially the desire to eat

"This mission is highly classified." Kakashi emphasized this by glaring at Naruto. The blond ninja tried to look innocent, failed, and cracked a grin.

"No worries, Kakashi-sensei." Off to the side, Sasuke smirked. Sakura, of course, ignored them both. Sai could only marvel. He'd thought Team 7 was effective when he'd been the third member. With Sasuke as the fourth, they were unstoppable, despite two of the members being short an arm.

"We've uncovered, due to an in depth interrogation of an old aquaintance of Sasuke-kun's that Orochimaru and Kabuto had a super secret lab where they kept an especially dangerous specimen, or as I prefer, victim." Sasuke frowned ever so slightly, Naruto looked angry and Sakura cracked her knuckles. They glanced at each other for the briefest instant, then Naruto spoke. No one thought to look at Sai.

"Where, when do we leave, any other details we need to know?" Kakashi's eyes scrunched, showing the grin beneath his mask. He held out a sealed scroll.

"Here's a map, attuned to Sakura-chan's chakra signature so enemies can't read it. You leave as soon as you can be ready. Be aware that we don't know much about the experiment, only that it is female, slightly younger than the four of you and that she was in a comatose state before the War. Whether that holds true is unknown. Capture only, unless it proves to be an uncontrollable weapon of mass destruction." He saluted lazily. "Good luck."

Sai started to follow the others out, but was stopped by Kakashi's outstretched arm.

"Hang back a second." He said. Sai obliged, standing with his eyes meeting Kakashi's, arms hanging relaxed at his sides. His true expression was perfectly masked by his pleasant smile. Kakashi studied him, then placed a hand on his shoulder.

"How are you getting along with the new team member?" Sai kept his smile.

"Fine. He is a skilled addition to the team." His voice was neutral, unconcerned. Kakashi wasn't an idiot.

"And you've been contributing on missions?" It could have been taken as an insult, but Sai knew what he was really asking. He nodded.

"As much as I can, Sensei." Kakashi studied him a moment, then smiled and released him.

"Good." He gave Sai's shoulder a hard pat. "Go on. I think they said something about meeting at the front gate in half an hour." So Sai escaped.

Sasuke, even after a month of the arrangement, wasn't sure how to feel about living in the same apartment as Naruto. He had his own room, Naruto kept the cupboards stocked with non-ramen meals for him, didn't bug him overmuch. In fact, Naruto seemed to be going out of his way to act mature and give Sasuke his privacy.

At the same time though, Sasuke couldn't help but be annoyed at the way Naruto randomly said something like, "Remember the time I tied you up so I could talk to Sakura?" Or "Remind me to tell you sometime about the time we saved Gaara." He never pushed Sasuke to talk about it. He'd just mention it, then fall back into whatever he was doing, which increasingly involved sitting or laying around, staring into the distance with a smile on his face and pain in his eyes.

And the way Naruto would suddenly walk into the bathroom, shut and lock the door, and not come out for just barely longer than was normal. Sasuke wondered if something was wrong. Not that he was worried.

So when, after packing what he needed, Naruto closed himself in the bathroom, Sasuke got close enough to overhear what was happening. At first, nothing, then the water ran and there was splashing. Then a voice, so shaky and scared that it almost couldn't have been Naruto's, spoke.

"You're strong. Sasuke-kun, Sakura-chan and Sai-kun are strong. Kurama is strong. You can save this girl. It won't happen again. No one will die."

Sasuke felt something cold settle in the pit of his stomach. He thought back, remembering how ramen had been disappearing less and less from the cupboard. He had assumed Naruto was eating out more often. He saw again, in his mind's eye, those painful, wistful looks the blond ninja got sometimes. He frowned. Maybe he should tell somebody.

Then he shook his head. Everyone was a little shook up after the War. Naruto would snap out of it. Silently, he crept to the door, swinging his pack over his shoulder.

"Come on, dobe." He called.

"Oh yeah, I'm ready!" Naruto's normal confident voice rang through the apartment, the toilet flushed and Naruto came out, bouncing on his toes and grinning. "Come on, Sasuke-teme." And like a rush of wind, he was out the door, leaping from rooftop to rooftop with bubbly enthusiasm. Sasuke followed, more controlled, more serious.

Sakura and Sai were waiting at the gate and Naruto greeted them with his usual exuberance. Sasuke watched him carefully, analyzing Naruto's every motion, every expression. Was it just in his mind, or was Naruto avoiding touching his teammates? Was it just a trick of the light or were Naruto's eyes duller and sadder than usual? Had Naruto winced when Sai shook his hand or was that just his typically mobile facial expression?

Sakura noticed Sasuke's attention, caught his eye, and raised her eyebrow questioningly. Sasuke shook his head almost imperceptibly, letting his eyes harden slightly to tell her not to pry. She nodded.

"Let's get going, boys." She said. "Head southeast."

"I'll take point." Sasuke said.

"I've got our rear." Naruto volunteered.

"Move out." Sakura said. And with a whoosh, they moved, Sai a bit ahead of Sakura in the center.

They made good time, bantering back and forth. Naruto was, as usual, the jokester, although as time went on, he spoke less and less. When they stopped for lunch, Naruto came into the clearing and stumbled, catching himself on his hand and knees. As the others glanced at him, he jumped up, laughing sheepishly.

"I've got to learn to watch my feet." He rubbed the back of his head. Sakura and Sai shrugged it off, but Sasuke only pretended to look away, filling his canteen in the river. He activated his Sharingan, watching Naruto. The blond ninja stood there, smiling faintly, fist clenched so tightly his knuckles turned white. His eyes, usually crystalline clear and full of joy, seemed clouded and drowned in sorrow.

But in the instant it took Sasuke to turn, Naruto was grinning, posture casual and relaxed. He walked forward with his canteen, walking past Sasuke and crouching to the river. Sasuke relaxed his eyes, shaking his head slightly. Either he wa reading too deeply into this, or something was very wrong.

He noticed that although Naruto took food, every other bite ended up thrown into the bushes when he thought no one was looking. The bites he actually put into his mouth were chewed slowly and swallowed, but after each, he looked at what remained with an emotion akin to fatigue. But every time someone looked at him, he was all smiles and full mouth, saying stupid things while crumbs spewed from his mouth. His act was nearly perfect, except that Sasuke was a master of observation.

So he was surprised when Sakura pulled him aside, on the pretext of consulting him about the map, and looked him in the eye.

"Have you noticed anything… different about Naruto recently?" Sasuke kept his face blank.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, does he eat that little at home? Has he been that clumsy for a while? Has he been sick?" Sasuke was tempted to tell her his theory, but it really wasn't his business. Sakura grabbed his wrist, hard, then released it when her remembered about Sasuke's aversion to touch. Instead, she glared at him, stubborn and tenacious despite his Sharingan and Rinnegan. It was a nice change to everyone looking down at his approach.

"He's our friend. It's our job to help him." Sasuke's eyes flashed, an instant of shocked fury that she seemed to read him so well. Then, though he couldn't tell why, the anger drained away. He relaxed.

"Something is wrong." He briefly recounted what had happened before they left, then his observations since. Then he asked, "Before I showed up at the battle, did someone important to him die?" Sakura was about to ask him how he'd missed it, then realized Sasuke had left as soon as physically possible after the war, only coming back about a week ago. Combine that with his anti-social tendencies and it was no wonder.

"Neji Hyuga-san jumped in front of Naruto-kun to save him. He died right there in Naruto-kun's arms. There was nothing anyone could have done." She blinked back tears. "He was one of Naruto-kun's best supporters and friends ever since Naruto-kun beat him in the Chuunin exams. He was a genius and a true hero." Sasuke bowed his head, an inadequate and overly simple gesture of respect for a fallen hero. Then he spoke.

"Naruto blames himself. He's punishing himself." He looked up into Sakura's eyes. "His head is not in the mission and he's going to get himself killed. Especially since he's not eating enough." Sakura nodded.

"So we need to either stage an intervention or send him back to Konoha." Sasuke frowned.

"Or we can use Sai-kun's ink birds to send a message to Kakashi-sensei. We'll come up with an excuse to stay here and Kakashi-sensei can come get him." Now Sakura looked troubled.

"Why all the subterfuge?" She asked. "Why would we lie?"

"Because if we confront him, he'll deny it and it will frighten him. He doesn't realize how depressed he is. Besides, we don't want him to think we agree that it's his fault, or to be wandering around on his own like that." Sakura nodded, unhappy but recognizing the need.

"Fine. What excuse should we use?"

"This one." All at once, he doubled over, hissing. Sakura, concerned, crouched next to him.

"Sasuke-kun, what's wrong?" He straightened slowly, brushing her off with a grimace.

"I'm fine." Then he bent over again, seemingly forced over by pain.

"Sasuke?" Naruto dropped what he was packing and ran over. "What's going on?" Sasuke ground his teeth, tightening his abdomen to make the words sound forced.

"Did you… drink water… from the stream?" He'd been watching. He knew Sai and Sakura were still drinking Konoha water, and Naruto hadn't drunk from the canteen he'd filled at the stream. All three shook their heads. He breathed heavily, mildly embarrassed by his act, but with Naruto's agonized expression burned into his mind's eye.

"Well don't. There's something in the water." Sakura had picked up on the act by now. She knelt beside him, professionally checking his pulse and running her chakra-lit hand over his abdomen. He found it hard not to smile and relax at the warm energy from it.

"Sit down. I'm going to test the water." She settled him against a tree, dragging Naruto and Sai with her.

"Naruto, you got water from the stream, right? Bring me your canteen. Sai, I need you to send a message." Naruto rushed off and Sai pulled out his scroll and brush. Sakura carefully worded the message, although Sai looked at her strangely.

Sensei

U sick. Retrieval necessary. More info on personal arrival. Urgent. He kept his promise.

◊ 7

Naruto ran up, panting slightly, and held out his canteen. While Sai sent off the message, Sakura carefully poured a little water into her palm, sniffed it, inspected it, tasted a little bit and then spat it out. She ran chakra through it while Naruto watched anxiously. Finally, she sighed.

"There must be a diseased carcass upstream." She said. "The rotting contaminated the water." She poured Naruto's water out. "Boil some water for drinking. Tell Sai to set up camp and gather firewood. I'm going to check on Sasuke." Naruto nodded, walking away. Sakura walked over to join Sasuke.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I'm fine." He grumbled, attempting to get up. Sakura pushed him back down.

"Rest. Poisoning like this is no joke." She touched his forehead. "Fever already." She frowned, although his forehead was cool. This act was starting to bother her.

"I hate this." He growled. She knew he agreed with her.

"I know you do." She murmured, letting him drink from her canteen. "Do you feel nauseous? Dizzy?" He nodded vaguely, his attention focused on following Naruto in the clearing.

"Are you sure Naruto's going to be okay?" He asked quietly. She nodded.

"He'll be fine. Don't worry. Help is on the way. Now stop talking and lay still. You're still recovering from losing your arm because you didn't listen to my advice and stick around to rest." He grumbled a bit more, but lay back and closed his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just so you guys know, I'm taking his inner emotions and what depression and anxiety feel like from my own experience. It's strangely soothing to put the feelings at a distance with words that are so poignant and meaningful to me. I apologize if they do not match your own experience or seem overly dramatic. My inbox is always open. Love you guys!

TW: Self-harm, blood, self hatred in this chapter!

Chapter 2: Apathy

Apathy: a feeling of not having much emotion, interest or concern

By the time Kakashi showed up just as darkness fell, Sasuke was thoroughly sick of three things: Acting sick, sitting still and Naruto's constant worried attention. He'd almost never gotten sick as a child and had always recovered quickly from all but the most severe injuries, so laying around when he didn't even feel sick made him feel antsy and annoyed. Only Naruto's pain filled eyes and the memory of his broken voice in the bathroom kept Sasuke acting.

When their Sensei arrived, Sakura led him over and the real situation was quickly and furtively explained. Kakashi made a show of handing Sakura a bottle and rattling off a list of ingredients. She made Sasuke drink it (it was just water), waited half an hour, then announced that Sasuke would be recovered by morning. Naruto grinned, relief clear in his features.

"Naruto-kun." Kakashi said, once they'd gathered around to start cooking dinner. "I need you to come back with me." Naruto frowned.

"Why?"

"Because I may be your co-Hokage until you're ready to do it yourself, but there are some things I shouldn't choose alone, especially when the situation is one you need to learn to deal with." Naruto sighed.

"Fine. If it's for the good of Konohagakure." Now everyone had no doubts that something was wrong, because Naruto hadn't contended at all with leaving a mission to save a hurt girl. They watched, concern masked, as he stood and grabbed his pack. He walked toward Sasuke.

"Just sayin' goodbye." Sasuke made a show of cracking an eye open as Naruto approached, then awakening and easing himself carefully upright. He studied Naruto's face.

"What's wrong?" He asked, halfway hoping to get a complete explanation. Naruto shrugged.

"Konoha needs its Hokage." He said quietly. Sasuke nodded.

"Don't worry about the mission. We've got it." Naruto smiled wanly.

"I know. Be safe." He turned to go. Then, over his shoulder, "Sai's a great guy. Use him." Then he leaped into the trees and was gone, Kakashi on his heels.

"It's over." Sasuke said after a moment, standing and stretching. He walked into the clearing, surprising Sai. Then the former Foundation member put the pieces together and nodded.

"He'll get better now." He said softly, dumping water over the fire, then kicking dirt over the steaming coals. "Let's go." The three shouldered their packs and shot off into the night.

To Naruto's surprise, Kakashi dropped to the ground from the treetops only a few miles from where they'd started. Assuming he sensed danger, Naruto followed, landing more heavily than he'd meant to and panting slightly as he drew back to back with his mentor.

"What is it?" He breathed. Kakashi simply walked away. Naruto followed, puzzled. He studied Kakashi's posture. His head stayed in its relaxed, forward position, none of the barely perceptible motions that suggested he was glancing about watchfully. His hands were jammed into his pockets, fisted instead of loose and flat in preparation for throwing shuriken.

The younger shinobi frowned. If they weren't about to fight, why had Kakashi dropped to a walk on the ground? He was about to ask again when they entered a clearing. A wooden building, strangely reminiscent of Yamato's wood jutsu, stood there, lit inside and warm.

Kakashi entered, waiting to close the door until Naruto was inside. Naruto looked around, seeing the two futons rolled against the wall, the simple foods steaming by the fire and the back door opened to look at a small porch and stream. It was peaceful, content, but Naruto felt only empty disinterest. He sat on the side of the fire away from the food, feeling vaguely nauseous. Kakashi joined him, taking off his vest and weapon pouches and setting them aside, still close enough to touch. He sighed.

"This is nice." Naruto attempted after a moment of silence. "Important meeting?"

"You could say that." Kakashi drawled, stretching out in the perfect image of lazy relaxation.

"With who?" Naruto asked, dreading quiet time, where he would be left with his thoughts.

"You." Naruto raised an eyebrow, feeling a distant chill run through him. He couldn't identify the cause.

"About?" Kakashi looked over at him, a searching look in his eyes that made Naruto feel transparent even now that Kakashi had no Sharingan. He shifted, discomfort spreading through him.

"They weren't kidding. You really do have no idea." His sensei said musingly. Naruto felt a flare of anger and clenched his fist, jutting his jaw out stubbornly. Just as he was about to explode, the fury dissipated, replaced by a deep fatigue. He sighed, slumping over.

"Whatever." He murmured, tone flat, eyes half closed as they looked unseeingly in the flames. Kakashi felt that defeat like a punch to the gut, injecting ice into his veins. He visibly winced. Never, ever did Naruto back down from a challenge like that. Never did he just let anger go without someone getting yelled at and/or punched. It almost hurt him physically to see his student, the young man who felt like a son to him, who had held Kakashi up when he was questioning everything he believed, so broken.

"Naruto-kun." He said quietly, voice flooded with concern. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" Naruto didn't respond, didn't move. The older ninja leaned forward, allowing his shoulder to brush his student's. At the touch, Naruto closed his eyes, body tensing. He seemed to be trapped between bolting away and falling into his Sensei's arms. Kakashi put his left arm over the blond's shoulders, trying to put all of his worry, his affection, into the touch.

Naruto sucked in a breath, sounding almost pained. His body was so stiff that Kakashi could almost hear his joints creaking, his muscles straining. He was breathing shallowly, seeming to be terrified that if he moved, the pressure on his shoulder would lift, leaving him bereft again.

"I'm not going anywhere." Kakashi said. Naruto glanced up at him, surprise mixing with a poisonous flow of raw hatred and grief and fear. Kakashi smiled softly, tightening his grip. Naruto started to lean in, to loosen up, to give up his stoicism. Then all at once, he pulled back, jumping to his feet. He was shaking, eyes wild, face pale.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi kept his voice calm, firm. Naruto looked through him, seeming to see something that wasn't in Kakashi's reality. The older ninja put up his hands, palms out, and stood up. Naruto was breathing heavily, abject terror plain on his features. It stabbed Kakashi that his student was so afraid of him.

"You can't promise that." He whispered. Kakashi was briefly confused. His mind replayed the last few minutes, catching on his own statement. I'm not going anywhere. Not afraid of him then, only inevitability of grief and loss. He kept his voice calm.

"You're right." He said. "Things happen, and I'm not as young as I was." Naruto's eyes flicked up to him, pale sky boring into dark night. "But I can promise you that I won't leave you by choice." He said, taking a slow step forward. Naruto shivered, leaning backward, but holding his ground. His voice was filled with hopeless, trembling misery when he spoke.

"You won't have a choice." He choked. Kakashi waited, holding Naruto's gaze with his own. He could see Naruto's palm and fingers dripping blood where his nails were digging into the flesh from the tightness of his fist. "Everyone around me dies or gets hurt or leaves." He said, resignation in his tone and a conviction in his eyes that suggested he'd said this to himself too often to count.

"That's not your-" Kakashi tried to soothe him, starting to feel entirely unequal to the task of getting Naruto back to calm, but Naruto kept on as though he hadn't said anything.

"My pa, my ma, Neji-kun, Jiraiya-sensei, Asuma-sensei, Old Man Third. They're all dead. Not to mention the tens of thousands of shinobi who died in the war. Hinata-chan, Shikamaru-kun, Gaara-kun, Sakura-chan, Lee-kun, Sasuke-teme, and on and on. They all got hurt fighting. I should have been stronger. I could have saved them, should have." His gaze sharpened, looking straight into Kakashi's eyes, clarity making a path to the agony he was feeling.

"And if you stay by me, you'll die too." He finished, then bolted for the open back door. It took a lot to stun Kakashi, but these statements slowed him enough that by the time he got into the yard, Naruto's desperate flight had taken him far enough that Kakashi couldn't hear him, couldn't see which branches had been moved by his passing. He summoned his ninja dogs, begging them to find him. They sniffed around, then reported that Naruto must have made multiple shadow clones because his scent went in every direction. Kakashi felt a nauseous wave of panic roll over him.

"Each of you follow one. Report to me when you find the original." The dogs nodded and were gone, sensing their master's urgency. Kakashi watched their progress for a few seconds, then began to pace. The motion did nothing to calm him, but it was better than sitting still.

Naruto flew through the treetops, barely feeling the sting of the branches he didn't try to avoid whipping his face. In fact, there was a certain relief to it. Each sting on his face, each tickling sensation of blood oozing over the undamaged portions of his skin, took his mind off of the painful thudding of his heart and the guilt that made him sick.

He ran and leaped until he burst out into a wide clearing with a pile of boulders in the center. A dry, dead streambed lay around it, flat and barren and strangely devoid of any grass. Naruto's keen eyes, sharpened yet further by his deep desire to be hidden, spotted a crevasse in the rocks, seemingly shallow and impassable. In a burst of impulse, he scrambled up, finding that his body just barely fit. Once he got into the crack, he slid straight down into an enclosed, semi-dark hole.

A shaft of moonlight cut down from a smaller hole above, and leaves and pine needles had blown in, creating a soft nest at the bottom. It was still, the relaxing smell of dry earth and autumn surrounding him. Naruto felt the clawing sensation of panic settling. For the first time since he and Kakashi had entered that cabin, he felt full clarity return to his mind. With it came an awareness of a sensation of tender fragility in his chest, like his heart had been turned to glass and a single breath would shatter it.

He sat in the cushioning dead foliage, letting the cool wind whistling through the hole he'd crawled through brush his face. His thoughts returned to his conversation with Kakashi-sensei. It was a little fuzzy after his sensei had sat down and completely blank after he'd made that comment about Naruto not knowing… something. He was used to being unaware of certain principles, of techniques and histories and chakra balances. He was, after all, an idiot. But there was something different about this question.

He felt a sudden stinging in his half-arm and looked down to see his fingernails gouging deep furrows into the flesh. He lifted his hand off, simultaneously fascinated and disgusted by the flesh and blood dripping down his fingers. He studied the red, entranced by the patterns that formed in the grooves of his palm. He could hear Kurama inside of him, concern and fury in his tone. He frowned. Was he crazy to think wish that the fox had been sucked out of him forever, along with his spirit?

He heard the scrabbling of nails on stone outside and froze, adrenaline shooting through him. His heart began pounding, fast and hard, pumping blood out of the oozing wounds. A snuffling sound came at the crack he'd crawled through. He resisted the urge to whimper, to crawl backwards and cower in the corner. Any motion, any sound could bring the beast down on him.

Then, as he was reawakened to the sensation of blood on his hand, he felt a heavy weight of resignation settle on him. He was going to be found and there was nothing he could do about it. They'd drag him back, surround him with people he could hurt, people he cared about. Apathy and helplessness drained the panic from him, leaving him numb.

He slumped, vision blurring, breaths slowing. He shivered against the dry, soft ground, mind slipping into its darkest corner, far from the outside world. Vaguely, he heard a familiar voice, felt gentle fingers brushing his head as a sudden chill washed over him. He closed his eyes, barely noticing the change from dark silhouettes and silver edging to utter black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Attempted suicide. Stay safe, my lovelies!

Chapter 3: Guilt

Guilt: n) feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy

Tsunade sighed, pulling her hair back and straightening her gloves. She was supposed to be retired. However, Kakashi's message, typically sloppy and brief, had been almost illegible, ink dripped on the sides as though he'd been shaking. Most chillingly, one corner of the missive was stiff and sticky with half-dry blood.

Hospital. OR. Urgent. Keep it need-to-know.

Kakashi

She entered the operating theatre, brushing past the guard at the door, professionalism and annoyance clear in each aspect of her appearance. She came around the curtain and froze, eyes travelling over the prone, restrained, shivering form on the bed. It couldn't be…

"Naruto?" She whispered. Her gaze snapped up to meet Kakashi's, taking in the pain, the helplessness and the fear there. Her eyes then took in the blond young man's appearance. He was unhealthily thin, skin pale with a concerning grayish tint and dark circles around his eyes. His half-arm was wrapped in heavy bandages and his complete arm was coated with congealed, flaking blood. His face was contorted and his motions restless. Tsunade quickly realized that the reason he was strapped down was because he had done this damage to himself and was still trying to do it.

"What happened?" She asked, proud that she was able to keep her voice calm. At the same time, she stepped up and began unwrapping the bandages around his stump.

"Sakura sent me a message, asking for retrieval due to illness. It seems that Sasuke noticed some behavioral changes that concerned him enough that he played sick until I got there. I agreed that I would look into it, but it was late, so I stopped at the safe house." Kakashi's voice was dull and business-like, and his hands ran through Naruto's hair listlessly.

"What kind of behavioral changes?" Tsunade had to ask, although she could guess.

"Apathy, fatigue, lack of appetite, avoidance of contact both physical and social, clumsiness, decreased emotional response, increased nostalgia, increased anxiety, talking to himself in the bathroom." Tsunade frowned.

"Go on." Kakashi quickly related the rest of the story, hands never still, voice low as he tried to maintain control. When he got to the part where he dug through the rock pile to get at his student, he lost his fragile hold on calm. Tears dripped down his face and his tone was shaky and pained.

"He was just laying there, face blank, nails digging into his arm. I tried to rouse him, but it was like he wasn't in there anymore. He was crying, completely silent." He trailed off, swallowing hard. "There was blood everywhere." He whispered.

Tsunade knew Kakashi wasn't a squeamish, weak or easily shaken man by any means. But as her own hands trembled while they smeared ointment over the deep, jagged lacerations, she knew it wasn't the wounds themselves. It was the way they'd been inflicted and the victim that had both her and this hardened ninja so shaken.

"He'll be alright." She said, trying to sound firm and confident. "He'll bounce back. He just needs some rest and care." The silver haired ninja nodded, flicking the remains of tears from his cheeks.

"Of course he will." Tsunade quickly bandaged the wounds, infinitely glad that Naruto seemed to have fallen asleep. She carefully unstrapped his limbs, consulting a passing nurse about which rooms were open. She then followed Kakashi as he carried the limp form to a cozy, warm, softly colored room. They got Naruto settled, then pulled up a chair to the bedside. Kakashi went to sit in it, but Tsunade pulled him back.

"You're the Hokage. You need to get some rest so you can attend to your duties tomorrow. I'll keep an eye on him." She could see the internal struggle as he flicked his eyes to the bed and back to her.

"You're right." He said, turning to go. "Keep me updated." There was an implied threat in his tone.

"I will." She promised, and he left.

Naruto's dreams were not pleasant, but upon awakening, he couldn't remember what had happened in them. He opened his eyes slowly, confused when the room that greeted him wasn't his. He glanced around, spotting a dozing figure next to his bed.

"Granny Tsunade?" He croaked, surprised at the weakness of his own voice. Even so, it seemed enough to wake her. She looked down at him, studying his face, then slowly raised the bed until he was half-upright.

"You're in the hospital." She explained. "What do you remember?" He frowned.

"We got a mission." She nodded, encouraging him. "We stopped to eat. Sasuke got sick. Sakura said it was the water. Kakashi-sensei came with medicine. He said there was Hokage business to take care of." He stopped, confusion written on his features.

Absently,he reached up to scratch his head, wincing as his head throbbed in response. As he dropped his hand again, a crusting of dry blood under his fingernails caught his attention. Okay, now he was really confused.

"Do you remember what happened?" Tsunade asked again. Naruto's brow furrowed.

"Were Kakashi-sensei and I attacked?" He asked. Tsunade looked troubled, leaning forward to study his face. Naruto felt a muted stirring of panic in his gut.

"Why are you lookin' at me like that?" He croaked, feeling exposed, vulnerable, ashamed, frightened. He gripped the upper portion of his amputated arm in an attempt to shield himself from her gaze. He felt a faint sting, but ignored it.

"Doesn't that hurt?" She asked quietly, eyes flitting to his arm momentarily before returning to his face.

"Not really. Should it?" He returned, wanting to look and see what 'that' specifically referred to, but not daring to look away from her. A moment of rational clarity seized him and he wondered briefly what he was so afraid of. Then his terror stifled it, only to be followed quickly by despair.

She's healing and good. I'm destructive and evil. If she attacks, I should let her kill me. He slumped, eyelids fluttering as fatigue washed over him.

"Naruto?" Tsunade said, concern in her tone. He caught her eye, smiling faintly.

"I'm fine. Don't worry."

"No, you're not." He cut in and Naruto froze, still smiling that false smile.

"I'm fine." He repeated, sounding confused and unsteady. His hand was squeezing his injury, and she could see blood beginning to seep through the bandaging. She gripped his wrist, pulling his hand off slowly, feeling his pulse speed up as he saw the fresh blood gleaming on his palm. His breathing turned shallow and harsh, skin paling further, shudders wracking his thin frame.

"Naruto?" She tried to get his attention; she tried to get him to speak. He was somewhere else, barely holding on to any part of this reality. He shot upright, shaking hard.

"Did I do this?" He whispered, eyes fixed almost obsessively on the gore. "Did I?"

"Yes, Naruto. You hurt yourself." She answered simply, knowing the question was rhetorical but realizing he needed to hear the words confirmed aloud. He turned to her, blue eyes swallowing her, not with horror or pain or depression, but with draining emptiness. He may as well have been dead, looking at those eyes. He stilled.

"Oh." He murmured, tone flat and lifeless. "That's okay then." He flopped backward, body going limp, leaving his listless hand in Tsunade's grip. The former Hokage's heart ached as she saw him giving up, dropping out of the fight. She took a moment to bring herself under control, focusing only on cleaning off all the blood.

"It's not okay." She choked out, twining her fingers with his limp ones and squeezing his hand until he looked at her. "It's not okay because you're an important person to me. And not just to me. So many people care about you."

"They shouldn't." He whispered weakly. "I'm a killer, a danger. I'm not worth it." He turned his head away. "Leave. I don't want you here." He pulled his hand from hers.

"Naruto…" She protested.

"Please go away." He interrupted, quiet and desperate.

"Fine, but only for an hour or so. Try to sleep. I'll bring you food. What do you want?" He wouldn't answer, and she eventually left him alone. He waited, breathing slowly until he was sure she wouldn't be back immediately. Sucking in a shaky breath, he forced himself back upright. He looked at the lit window, at the clean, cheery space, but saw no color. He glanced at the reflection that stared at him from the clean water on his table and saw only a black form with hollow, sunken sockets. Everything was bleak, empty, flat, ugly.

Except the blood on his palm. It glowed with rich color, glistened with texture, pulsed with life. It was the only beautiful thing he could see.

He knew it wasn't his blood he was seeing. No. It may have flown through his unworthy, filthy veins, but it belonged only to those that kept it there. His parents, Jiraiya-sennin, Asuma-sensei, Old Man Third, Granny Chiyo, Neji, Nagato, Itachi, Obito, Shikaku-san, Inoichi-san. Not only those who had died, but those who lost blood and lived on: Sasuke, Kakashi-sensei, Hinata, Shikamaru, Gaara, Killer Bee, on and on. That was why it was bright and warm. It wasn't his.

He stared at is, seeing in its opaque depths reflections of what should have been. His parents, alive and holding hands with two children who weren't him, running toward Jiraiya-sennin and the Third Hokage. He saw Asuma-sensei and Shikaku-san rubbing their heads over a shogi board while Shikamaru laughed. He saw Neji smiling, Tenten by his side. He saw Sasuke presenting Itachi to the village as a hero, smiling and with both arms intact. His birth, his lack of control, his stubborn need to keep living had ended all that.

He didn't deserve to live. He didn't deserve to breathe this air, to feel the sun, to speak with all these heroes and take the water and food and years that should go to them. Desperately, frantically, he dug his fingernails into his own neck, needing to still the pulse that beat beneath the skin. If he died, all the pain would end: Kakashi-sensei's, Sasuke's, Granny Tsunade's, Gaara's, Shikamaru's, Hinata's.

The warm trickle of blood was soothing, staining his bleak world with pure vitality. There was no pain, no fear, only relief as his guilt eased. He could feel the icy grip of hell closing over him, finally allowing him to pay for his sins. He smiled.

Then his skin closed, chakra filling him with thick, heavy life. He sobbed, begging to go back, to be ripped and released from the unbearable weight. He tried to tear himself open again, but his hand was restrained. He knew it was pointless. There was nothing to be done. Perhaps it was a more fitting punishment for him to die in slow, laborious agony, suffocating under the pressure of dozens of lives. He slumped, falling limp, begging under his breath for them to hurt him, to release it.

Instead, warm arms wrapped around him, cradling him against a firm chest, tucking his head under a trembling chin. Moist tears dripped into his hair like rain. The familiar smells of sweat and dogs and smoke and moist earth filled his nose.

"Sensei," He whispered. "Don't cry. Not for me. I'm not worth it." The arms tightened, chest heaving in a sob.

"No, my son. You are worth so much more. Please, don't scare me like that again. I could have lost you." There was no waver in the tone, no hint of joking. Sincerity filled it with an intensity that pierced Naruto. He gasped, shuddering, hyperventilating. It couldn't be true. He refused to drag Kakashi-sensei down with him.

"Let go." He gasped, yanking out of his sensei's arms with a wrench of pain. IT took every ounce of strength he had left to point to the door. "Get out!" He panted. Kakashi's hands gripped his shoulders. He nearly gave in, but an image of Kakashi bleeding in his arms gave him a surge of power.

He screamed, making his body the nucleus of a huge Rasengan. Kakashi was thrown out the open window, barely catching the edge of the roof before going over. He pulled himself up, slipping through the window into a now-empty room. He raced out the door, knowing Naruto couldn't have gotten far, knowing that if he didn't find him, the chakra drain would kill him. The Kyuubi had been holding him up for so long, Kakashi was sure the fox would have to recharge himself soon.

Hold on Naruto. He begged silently. I'm coming.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, suicidal thoughts, keep yourselves safe lovelies.

Chapter 4: Worthlessness

Worth: n) the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held

Sasuke never did discover how a pale, bloody, sobbing Naruto appeared beside them in the abandoned lab. One moment, he was keeping watch while Sakura detached the emaciated, comatose female from several machines and the next he was nearly pulled over by a warm, shaking weight on his severed arm. Righting himself, he put a kunai to the sudden imposter's throat in a smooth motion. He was startled with the throat lunged toward the blade, barely managing to yank it back before the pale skin parted.

"No please, make it stop!" A voice pleaded, a bloody hand reaching for the knife. Sasuke realized the intruder was Naruto and dropped the weapon abruptly, gripping his brother's shoulder to hold him upright.

"Naruto!" He called, trying to get through to the hysterical ninja. "What's wrong?" Those empty, blue eyes finally locked onto his, drowned and dim.

"Kill me." Naruto begged, his only hand scrabbling at Sasuke's clothes as his knees buckled. "Please, before I hurt someone." Sasuke was stunned. He'd known something was wrong, but this was terrifying. Had the Kyuubi gone savage again?

"Naruto." He said again, fixing his Mangyeko Sharingan on those haunted hurt, but he had to calm his friend. "Sleep." He commanded, casting a powerful, yet simple genjutsu on him. He watched Naruto's body go limp, seeing shaded lids cover his bloodshot eyes. Sasuke took a deep breath, barely containing the fear that had seized him. Then he knelt, preparing to tend to the wounds, the blood.

"Sasuke!" Sakura's voice cut through the roar in his ears and he glanced up to see her carefully healing the wounds his hand was frozen over. He realized he was shaking hard and squeezed his hand into a fist. "Why didn't you answer?" She asked. He remained silent, unable to form a coherent thought.

"Naruto." He murmured. Suddenly, Sai was there, weapons ready, face blank. He quickly surveyed the situation, swallowed hard, then turned back to the door.

"I'll keep watch." He intoned quietly. Then he left. It was as if his entrance had broken the spell that had held Sasuke captive. He suddenly felt antsy. He stood, pacing back and forth. He whirled around when he heard Sakura cry out, coming back to her side.

"What is it?" He asked, watching her cradle a burnt palm.

"He's rejecting my healing. He's using Kyuubi's chakra to push out mine and swat my hand away." She hissed, carefully surveying the damage. Then she set her jaw and and tried again, sweat dripping and teeth grinding as she fought to seal the raw wounds on Naruto's throat and arm. But the green life kept oozing out of his skin, pushed by glowing rivulets of chakra the color of dried blood. Finally, she sat back panting.

"He won't let me. He doesn't want to be healed." Her eyes teared up. "What happened, Naruto?" She cried. Sasuke forced himself to think clearly.

"Bandage him up and then check the girl. I'll prepare a chakra seal to speed our return and tell Sai to contact Konoha to prepare medical treatment." Sakura nodded, determination burning away her despair. Sasuke quickly filled in a grave Sai and formed simple seals to allow them to leap from seal to seal, similar to the Fourth's transportation jutsu. Using his Rinnegan, he carefully placed them by teleporting every mile or so. He could feel the drain on his chakra, but he pressed on until he had laid seals halfway home.

He made his way back, panting as he reentered the room where Naruto lay. He was still unconscious, but he was bandaged now and the girl they'd come to save was likewise made comfortable. Sakura's expression was grim as she packed the supplies.

"They're both stable. They should remain so until we reach Konoha." She said. He nodded.

"I'll carry him. You take her. Sai can watch our backs. In case of attack, take them both and go. I'll mark the seals I placed on the map." She brought up the map for him, making the marks where he indicated. Sai came in and Sakura showed him.

"I'm ready." The former Foundation member said.

"You're guard. Use the seals. Rat, Tiger, Ox. Keep close." Sai nodded. Then with more gentleness than anyone had ever seen him use, Sasuke lifted Naruto's limp form. With surprising grace considering his missing limb, he cradled the body close to his body, slightly shocked at how bony and light it was. Even more surprisingly, Naruto seemed to react, murmuring softly and twitching his hand up to clutch the front of Sasuke's shirt. Sasuke pretended not to notice.

He glanced to make sure Sakura was ready, then leaped out the large, open window and sped to the first seal. His chakra transferred through his Rinnegan. He could feel the chakra molded by Sai and Sakura, Sai's with a perfection and ease of technique, Sakura's slower and slightly clumsier with the weight of the girl tied to his back hamper her motions, but with a graceful efficiency he remembered from their genin days.

By the time they met a medical crew about two thirds of the way back to Konoha, Sasuke's chakra was almost terrifyingly low. He cursed softly under his breath as he dropped to the ground with the others, a combination of annoyance at his own weakness and irrational terror flooding him; terror because he knew now they would take the still-unconscious Naruto from his arm. He sighed, sitting himself against a tree while preparations were made.

He found himself utterly opposed to the idea of them taking him. He'd released Naruto into their care less than 24 hours ago and now look at him. Pale, bloody, terrified, suicidal. Sasuke's eyes roved the still form, latching onto the smallest details. The dark bags under his eyes, the way his lips and hand twitched as he dreamt, his shallow breathing, the tiny flecks of blood on his earlobe, collar and cuff.

"Sasuke." A weary voice greeted. He glanced up. Kakashi stood above him, sharp eyes taking in Naruto's condition, then Sasuke's. The Uchiha found himself tensing his grip, gaze wary.

"Kakashi-sensei." He returned warily, tone flat, the suffix inserted to add distance. Kakashi studied him another moment, then gestured to the space beside his student.

"May I?" Sasuke nodded briefly, keeping half his focus on his sensei and scrutinizing the medical team with the rest. One was healing Sakura's hand, two focused on the comatose girl and their three-person escort was discussing logistics with Sai. Sasuke vaguely recognized the escort team as the former Team Asuma, the Ino-Shika-Cho of their generation. He had also noticed the fourth med-nin hovering nervously just off to the side, but he ignored her.

Naruto shifted on his lap and Sasuke's whole focus snapped down, taking in the heaving chest, the swollen eyes and the scrunched expression quickly. He pulled him in close, murmuring softly until Naruto calmed.

"What happened?" Sasuke demanded. Kakashi sighed.

"I took him to the safe house to talk to him. I hoped the privacy would allow him to speak openly. He panicked and ran. By the time I got to him, he had clawed his own arm open." He took a deep breath, schooling his emotion as efficiently as when he still used his mask. "Tsunade-san stayed with him overnight, but when he awoke, he told her to leave. Then he clawed at his throat, and when I tried to stop him, he threw me off and ran."

"And teleported to me via our shared blood from the battle." Sasuke finished. He looked down at the blond ninja. "Baka. It could have killed him."

Naruto seemed to realize that he was being spoken about. He moaned softly, eyes struggling to open. Sasuke immediately tucked him in closer, glaring at Kakashi until he left, herding the others out of earshot. Once they were away, Sasuke spoke.

"Naruto." He whispered. Naruto finally managed to crack an eye open, confusion registering at the blurry form above him. Dark hair, dark eye, only one arm under him, that nose and jaw.

"Sasuke." He croaked, fire shooting through his throat. Everything was so blurry. He was cold. Sasuke was warm. He shivered, feeling comforted as Sasuke shifted to pull him in closer.

"How do you feel?" Sasuke asked, the slightest trickle of concern in his tone. Translation: something was very, very wrong.

"What is it?" Naruto whispered, squinting as he tried to make out Sasuke's expression. The confused huf Sasuke made had the same effect. "You're worried. What's wrong?" He added, breaking off into agonizing coughs. Once the white, hot flashes of plain cleared in his head, he stared at Sasuke.

"I'm worried about you." He said. "Now answer my question. How do you feel?" Naruto thought about playing it down, toughing it out, but it felt like the place he shoved all that was shattered. He swallowed, weakly turning so his face was buried in Sasuke's torso.

"Hurts. Cold. Confused. Dizzy. Weak." He started, struggling to hold in his sobs. "Scared, tired, pathetic, stupid." What was he saying? He felt the words flowing out, like a dam bursting. "Ugly, angry, guilty, clumsy… empty." He panted, breathing raggedly as blood trickled down his neck and tears sluiced off his face. Sasuke felt his brother fall limp, struggling to breathe. The barely closed wounds on his neck were bleeding again.

"Oh Naruto." He murmured, bowing over to surround the shaking boy with his warmth. Then, a whisper turned his blood to ice.

"I wish I had died. I wish I had lost to you. I wish you had put your kunai through my throat. Death can't be emptier than this." And so, for the first time since he had learned Itachi's truth, Sasuke cried. It was brief, silent, still, but it was real. Then, he lifted his head, took a deep breath and pressed his forehead against Naruto's. Those blue eyes locked into his and he felt like he was falling into their emptiness.

"Don't wish that. I know it's hard not to. I know you're not in a place to believe me right now, but listen. There is no blame on you. You are the most kind and loyal person I know. You are so strong, so honest. It doesn't feel like that, but guess what? Everyone gets doubts sometimes. You pulled me back. Now let me try. Please, trust me enough to hold on until I can try." He felt as though those eyes were reading his soul. Then they closed, and Naruto nodded slightly.

"I'll try." He breathed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to note here, I do not ship all the canon pairings, but I used them here for the purposes of exploring how they may have developed, more as a character relationship study than actual shipping.

Chapter 5

Distancing: Placing or keeping at or as if at a distance

The nurses quickly learned not to tell the visitors when to leave. Between the lot of them, no one was there too long and the patient was never alone with his thoughts, so they couldn't really complain.

That being said, the Hokage did spend an awful lot of time in that room, not doing the paperwork that Shikamaru Nara handed him. That Uchiha boy was sullen and often quite rude in his dismissals. Sakura-san, of course, was fine, as was Tsunade-sama, but that Sai character was a bit odd. Oh well.

The visitors in question were fully aware of the mixed opinions on them. No one cared. Sakura was busy, Tsunade often occupied by various training and education responsibilities. It seemed that now that she had come out of retirement, she had little desire to go back. Kakashi struggled to balance Hokage duties and his parental need to sit with Naruto. Despite Naruto's distinct distancing from him, he couldn't make himself stay away for long, even if all he ever did was watch him sleep.

Sasuke, however, was a near constant companion. Though none of his teammates could discover how he knew, he seemed to innately sense whether Naruto's sleep would be interrupted by nightmares and if so, when. He rested and ate and trained in those brief, but frequent periods, always with Naruto when he was awake.

Sai tried not to resent that. He also tried hard not to feel hurt when he saw Naruto close in on himself when Sai entered the room. He had read up on depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as on dependent bonding and reliance. He recognized that Naruto was clinging to Sasuke as perhaps the only person when deeply and completely understood his feelings and situation. He knew that Naruto was of a personality that caused him to feel deeply and bond even deeply.

However, he couldn't help but feel better there where he had risked pain and devastation and changed everything in him to be someone who Naruto could depend on on and work with, Naruto was fixed on the teammate who had betrayed, abandoned and maimed him. Why was he leaning on the one who had already shown he could and would leave when Sai had been loyal and willing?

He set himself the task of guarding Naruto, sitting on the roof for hours on end with eyes roving and ears tuned for commotion within. He sketched and painted whenever the emotions and thoughts within him crowded too close, letting them flow onto the page in varied shades and abstract forms.

No one noticed he was there until the third day after their return, when Ino Yamanaka came by, a small bouquet in hand for Sakura to deliver to Naruto. Sai was feeling the effects of constant vigilance and inadequate nourishment and allowed his brush to fall to the tiled roof with a clatter. Ino looked up, seeming startled when he spotted him there.

"Sai?" She called, shading her eyes against the midmorning sun.

"Yes. Is that the Beautiful One there?" He answered, knowing it was her, but somehow wanting to say his nickname for her. She laughed, leaping to the roof.

"What are you doing up here?"

"Guarding Naruto's room." He replied simply, drinking in the company of another person, noting the gentle scents of lilac and rose that drifted from her. He wondered what inks he could mix to create the exact shade of her eyes. He felt a surge of - fondness? Interest? Passion? - as her face clouded with concern at the mention of their mutual friend. She and her team were three of the very few who knew the basics of Naruto's condition.

"How long have you been up here?" He blinked. Her concern was now firmly focused on him. He considered.

"Nearly three days."

"Have you eaten?"

"Not much, now that I think on it."

"Slept?" Her voice rose in pitch with each question.

"No." He realized that she was very close to him, her eyes studying him at close quarters. He could imagine that she was seeing the dark circles that stood out on his pale skin, the faint sheen of sweat that had formed on his skin in response to fatigue and gnawing hunger. He imagined he should feel uncomfortable under her scrutiny, but all he could feel was a vague curiosity at what her response would be and a strange excitement at the clarity of her features at this distance.

Abruptly she stood straight, placing her hands on her hips as she contemplated something. Without any more motion of his tired body, he followed her up with his gaze. The unfamiliar sensation of a true smile tugged on his facial muscles, and for once he allowed it, wondering briefly if his weakness was worse than he thought. She was a fire, a blazing star, almost too dangerous to be near, but with a magnetism that drew him in against his will. She made the empty hole of his metaphorical feeling heart, fill with so much it hurt. Her hands grabbed his.

"They'll be fine for an hour. Let's get you food and then we'll be back and I'll keep watch while you nap." She dragged him to his feet, a no-nonsense determination setting her jaw. He hesitated, then allowed himself to be dragged away.

Hinata Hyuga stood outside the hospital room, feeling her stomach churn with anxiety. Naruto was behind that door, hurt who knew how badly. No one would give her any details, and she'd had to use her Byakugan to find his room. She'd also had to wait for Sai to leave his guard post. She hoped that the room was still empty of visitors.

Taking a deep breath, she knocked. There was no answer. Feeling terribly bold, she opened the door a crack.  
"Naruto-kun?" She called softly. He heard sheets rustling, then a breath.

"Sakura?" HIs voice was bleary, confused, exhausted. She immediately felt bad for disturbing him and almost gave in to her instinct to leave. Setting her jaw for courage, she poked her head in.

"Actually it's me. Hinata Hyuga." She added unnecessarily. Then, her breath caught as she saw him, relief and worry clashing in her chest. He was sitting up, more or less alert despite the fact she'd just woken him up. Besides bandages on his throat and half-arm, he seemed physically unharmed.

Until she looked more closely. Then she saw how pale and gaunt his face was, how his arm shook as he leaned on it. She was those drowning, empty eyes and felt her own fill with her tears.

"Oh Naruto-kun." She breathed, stepping in and closing the door. The blond ninja seemed wary, creating a wall between them by pulling up his knees to his chest. To counter this, he smiled wanly, sitting against the headboard and waving lazily.

"I'm fine, Hinata-chan. How are you?" His mouth was still curved, voice seemingly calm, eyes following her. But his mouth was also trembling, his voice faint and guarded, eyes empty. He couldn't lie to her. With a surge of love and concern, she settled on his bedside and took his hand. He flinched, but she didn't let go.

"The Hyuga aren't blind, Naruto, and I've been watching you a long time. You are not fine." His smiled faltered, then reformed as he breathed deeply.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He mumbled, eyes flicking around her face without meeting her eyes. He was lying. Not only that, but the way his hand was so stiff and how he seemed to be holding back from falling in her lap told her he was scared and that he desperately longed to be held and comforted. She sighed, gripping his chin until he stared straight at her.

Then, slowly and gently, she trailed her hands over his body, her left up his arm and her right down his neck until they lay on his shuddering shoulders. His gaze was locked in hers, and a tiny spark lit their depths as she gently massaged his tense muscles. She could sense his inner battle, his fear and hatred warring with his intense need for comfort and validation.

"Naruto, I love you. It hurts me when you hurt like this. Let me help." He heard the echo of his own words to Sasuke in her voice. He vividly remembered her determination and courage in battle, the sensation of her chakra flowing through him. He felt the heat of Kurama in his chest, worried and encouraging. Hesitantly, gradually, he sank into Hinata's touch, breathing slowly as her fingers worked on the knots of anxiety and tension in his body. His mind slipped into a glowing mist, warm and secure, like a blanket or a hug. HIs eyes were closed, every speck of his focus concentrated on the smooth, mobile pressure of her fingers.

She could have cried, seeing him lay in her lap, relaxed and peaceful. His eyes slowly drifted closed, his hand lifting slowly until it lay gently on her lower back. His breathing was even and slow as the creases slowly smoothed from his face.

She could see the different stages of his life in his peaceful body. His innocent infancy in his fluttering eyelids, his lonely and mischievous youth in the soft smile on his lips, his maturing teen years in the musculature of his relaxed form and the recent war in his scars and the bandaged stump of his arm. Slowly, his hand dropped and he slipped into sleep. Something told her he hadn't done so deeply in a while.

Her fingers carded through his hair, her eyes closing as she focused on their synchronized breaths, the faint pulse in his veins she was mirroring with her own. He was warm, alive, hers to hold, at least for the moment. The uncomfortable growth and budding of her feelings for him in youth had eased into deep, strengthening, supportive love in maturity.

Sasuke came in about a half hour later. He took in her, the absence of Sai and Naruto's calm in an instant, adding things up. She blushed as she remembered that he had snuck in without permission. She opened her mouth to apologize, but he put a hand up to stop her. He gestured to Naruto, placed a finger to his lips, then bowed his head slightly in a gesture of gratitude. Her blush flared, but she realized that her fingers in Naruto's hair, his obvious contentment in her lap, were all the explanation she needed.

No one dared try to remove her. She didn't even know there was a contention about it, as Sasuke scared off anyone who dared try to disturb them. One particularly frightened nurse sobbed to Sakura about it as evening drew near. Furious, she stomped up to tell the Uchiha off about it, only to be surprised by a feminine voice and gentle laughter within.

"I lost again! I'll be fatter than Choji by the time you're done with me."

"Somehow, I doubt that." Sakura entered at Sasuke's voice, seeing Naruto, Hinata, and Sasuke seated on the bed, a variety of snacks between them. Naruto was slowly, but good naturedly chewing a cracker while Hinata laughed and Sasuke smiled. Without turning, he spoke.

"Care to join us, Sakura?" She walked to the side of the bed, eyeing Hinata, then Sasuke with confusion.

"What are we doing?"

"Rock Paper Scissors. Whoever loses has to eat." Hinata explained.

"They've got Byakugan, Sharingan and Rinnegan on their side. They're cheating." Naruto muttered indignantly. He was still quiet, his movements still slow and listless, but now his eyes looked on things with interest and she could see from the half empty pitched and the litter of garbage that he'd been eating and drinking.

"I'll join, but only if we play teams. Me and Naruto against you two. Take turns playing while the other watches for cheats." Hinata grinned.

"No. Me and Naruto against you and Sasuke." Sasuke and Sakura eyed each other, then shrugged.

"Fine." Sasuke said. Naruto grinned, scooting over to make room for Hinata to curl against his side. Sakura and Sasuke sat on either side of the bed, one leg dangling while the other bent beneath them. Their knees didn't quite touch.

Several rounds later, three more packages of food were gone and Naruto was nodding against Hinata's shoulder. Sasuke and Sakura went silent as Hinata tenderly lulled him to sleep, helping him slide under the covers before he was out completely. The three quickly gathered the garbage, then stepped into the hall. No one spoke.

When Kakashi arrived, they filled him in, then split to their respective dwellings. Hinata strolled through Konoha, taking the long route to the Hyuga compound. All was etched in silver, smelling of sawdust and paint as new homes were still replacing what had been destroyed by war. Aside from frogs and crickets and the occasional murmur of speech through the windows flung wide for air, all was quiet.

Hinata remembered clearly nights like this, those rare days when both she and Neji were home from missions. They would walk the streets, talking calmly and openly about nearly everything. They had started the tradition after the Chuunin exams, when she walked to regain her strength and he practised being more kind and forgiving. As time went on, they'd become close, more like siblings than cousins, equals despite her position in the clan.

She missed those nights. Briefly, she wondered if perhaps Naruto would reinstate the tradition with her, once he was well. Though she still knew little of the actual happenings leading to this, she knew enough to think he might need walks like this, private and free and intimate.

Reaching the gate, she breathed deeply of the fresh, free air. She stood for a moment, considering the gates that had once been a symbol of confinement and fear for her. Now as she thought of her loving sister and her stoic, but proud and quietly affectionate father, who had changed so much in the past few years, she realized those gates were now lifeless, flimsy barriers, no more restricting that paper doors or open windows. Within, family and home; without, love and friends and comrades.

With a smile, she pushed through, walking straight to the room her father worked in, often late into the night. He looked up, gesturing for her to sit beside him. He smelled of paper and ink and lavender and mint, familiar and clean.

"How is Uzumaki-kun?" He asked, knowing what the boy meant to his daughter.

"Struggling, but he'll pull through." She answered, then added, "It's good to be home, Otou-san." He nodded, placing a hand on her shoulder as he turned to face her. His hand moved to cup her face, his thumb brushing her cheek.

"Welcome home." His lips gently touched her forehead before he rose. Hinata went to the room she shared with Hanabi, immediately dropping off. She slept well, her face tingling with her father's remembered touches and her sister's calm breaths filling the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six: Panic

Panic: a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior

Naruto's restful sleep didn't last long. His pain might have been briefly eased, but the wound underneath was still inflamed. Only minutes after Kakashi settled by him, he bolted awake, sitting up fast and breaking into sobs. He was hyperventilating, and after a few blurry seconds of Kakashi scrambling to calm him, he vomited. Half digested crackers and fruit and acid spewed over the bedclothes, himself and Kakashi. A gentle hand rubbed his back as he heaved and choked.

"Slow down, Naruto. I've got you. Just breathe." He tried, he really did, and eventually his retching stopped. Slowing his breathing was harder. He tried to even it out, but his heart was pounding and his head spun with confused images. He blinked quickly, almost convulsively, trying to clear his mind. It almost made him black out with dizziness.

Kakashi was all but holding him up. His student's pupils flickered, growing and shrinking so quickly that Kakashi winced in sympathy. The stench of vomit faded from his awareness as Naruto failed to calm. He had to get the boy to breathe. He rubbed the shaking back.

"Count, Naruto. In-2-3-4. Out-2-3-4." He kept counting, tapping Naruto's chest to help him keep track. Slowly, gradually, Naruto gained control, evening and deepening his breaths. His eyes squeezed shut in concentration. Finally, he relaxed, slumping against Kakashi.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm disgusting. I'm so sorry." Kakashi sat him up, holding his chin to look him in the eye.

"You don't have anything to do with this. It's not your fault. Being sick isn't something you can control. It'll clean up. It's okay." Naruto bit his lip in response. He took a deep breath.

"Where's Sasuke?" He asked, missing the twinge of hurt on Kakashi's face. Before he could answer, Naruto continued. "I'm glad he can't see this. He's getting too worried about me already. He needs to think I'm getting better." He looked into Kakashi's eyes. "Thanks for being here, Tou-san."

Kakashi's heart leapt. Naruto had called him 'Dad'. He was glad that Kakashi was there to support him. He pulled Naruto against his chest, folding the sheet over to cover the vomit puddle in his lap. Naruto lay slack against him, allowing Kakashi to support and comfort him.

"You're welcome, son."

A few minutes later, the best nurse on night shift came in to check on them. Seeing the mess, she quietly began cleaning up, politely asking them to move when necessary, but mostly unobtrusive and silent. Naruto stayed calm, secure in Kakashi's arms. He fell asleep as soon as the sheets and their clothes were clean.

Sasuke showed up a little while later, noting the change of bedding. He also noted the soft hinting of a smile on Kakashi's masked face as he ran his fingers through Naruto's hair. He gestured for Kakashi to join him in the hall and, after a moment of hesitation, he did.

"What happened?" Sasuke asked calmly once the door was closed.

"He ate too much, too fast. He threw up, then fell asleep. He's fine." Sasuke studied his sensei, noting his steady gaze, his relaxed posture. It was a logical explanation, but Sasuke wasn't certain that it fully covered the tenderness and hesitance Kakashi had exhibited.

"Is that all?" He asked, tempted to use his Sharingan to forcefully check Kakashi's honesty, but unwilling to break their fragile trust. Kakashi didn't hesitate.

"Yes." They locked eyes, a silent conversation passing between them for a moment more. Then, Sasuke dropped it.

"Alright. I think I'll get some sleep and be back around midnight so you can rest before morning." Kakashi nodded, smiling beneath his mask. Sasuke walked away and Kakashi allowed his smile to drop. He sighed, wiping a trickle of sweat from the back of his neck. He'd seen the flicker of intensity behind Sasuke's eye that usually heralded use of the Sharingan. Without one of his own to counter, Kakashi would have been overwhelmed in seconds. He shivered. That kid didn't know how terrifying he could be.

When Naruto woke, it was, for once, a peaceful and slow awakening. No jolts of adrenaline, no terror launching him up, no voice sending tendrils of fear and guilt into his heart. He just woke up, letting his eyes open slowly as they adjusted to the early, pale light. Even the disappointment of the world still lacking color didn't drag him too far.

Sasuke was awake, reading some kind of tactics book in the script Naruto hadn't learned to read yet. As Naruto stretched, he finished his page, then slid a bookmark in and watched passively as Naruto slowly sat up. He looked better for a full night's sleep. Sasuke had to really look to see the shadows under his eyes, and his gaze was clearer and more interested as he observed the space.

"How did you sleep?" Sasuke asked, half curious how he would answer.

"The best I have in a while." Naruto replied, a slow smile creeping over his face. Sasuke felt his own smile form. There was a light in those eyes now, small, but definitely there. That smile held joy and mischief, if only a little.

"Breakfast?" Sasuke asked. A flash of trepidation crossed the features, but after a brief moment, Naruto nodded.

"Nothing too heavy." Sasuke had thought as much.

"There's a cafeteria downstairs. Not half bad for hospital food. You want to go down or should I bring up a tray.?" Another moment of hesitance, then Naruto swung his legs over.

"Let me get dressed in real clothes and we'll go down."

With a small smile, Sasuke pulled some comfortable clothes out of a bag Sakura had brought and lay them at the foot of the bed.

"Yell if you need help. I'll clean up in the bathroom and come out when you knock." Naruto nodded and Sasuke retreated. He pulled his fingertips through his hair, wetting them when his longer-than-normal strands wouldn't do as he directed. Finally, exasperated, he combed his hair straight down. The left side was longer, falling well below his cheekbone. He found he kind of liked the way it masked his Rinnegan. He also reminded himself, for a split second, of Itachi.

He heard a thump and a yelp from the other room and opened the door in a second. Naruto, shirtless and redfaced, lay on the floor, tangled in a long sleeved hoodie.

"My arm, and I guess I got dizzy…" He stammered, struggling with the fabric. Saying nothing, Sasuke knelt and helped him untangle. Then, operating as Naruto's missing right arm, he helped pull on the sweatshirt. As he did so, he heard Naruto muttering numbers to himself, counting a pattern that he soon was breathing to. It appeared his flushed face and jumbled words weren't only embarrassment.

"Are you alright?" Sasuke asked quietly. Naruto took a deep, shaky breath.

"I hit the floor pretty hard and the sweatshirt got all tangled. I couldn't breathe…" He trailed off. Sasuke waited. He knew there was more. "I keep dreaming about how I could end it. I guess suffocation was one way I was considering. But in that moment I...I didn't want to die." He shook, fist clenching. Sasuke could feel their calm breakfast slipping away. He felt stupid for thinking it could be over this quickly.

"Naruto." His brother was too far gone. He was crumbling before him, eyes glazing over, body convulsing as his nails reached for any available skin. Sasuke put his arm in that grip, preferring the sharp sting in his own wrist than in Naruto's weakened body. The rambling was growing increasingly mangled, smothered with a layer of self loathing and shame so thick, Sasuke almost couldn't breathe.

"I'm a failure. I can't even off myself properly. You would be better off without me. End it, please. It hurts so much!" This last was cut off with a choking sob that quickly devolved into keening wails as his fingers scrabbled at Sasuke's dripping skin. His limbs drew closer to his core as he curled in on himself mentally. Sasuke allowed himself to be dragged down to the floor with him, drawing the shivering, tense blond against him.

"Shh, it's going to be okay. I'm right here. Breathe through it. Please don't leave me." He hadn't meant to say the last part, but seeing Naruto so vulnerable had broken something inside him. All those years of pent up rage and confusion and hurt and grief crashed through him at once. He struggle to hold back the tide, gulping in air and clutching Naruto for sanity. He never knew when their roles switched and Naruto was the one holding him as he shook and cried silently.

Then they both lay there, washed out, Sasuke's arm messily wrapped in a corner of the sheet and Naruto's bandages slightly spotted with blood. Their eyes were closed, breaths ragged, but steady, in sync. Sasuke expected to recover first, but when he finally worked up the self control and strength to crack an eye open, Naruto was already blinking in his direction, smiling softly.

"Brothers in heart, brothers in blood." He whispered. Sasuke nodded.

"Still up for breakfast, dobe-nii?" He asked. Naruto nodded.

"As long as I can bandage you up first, teme-nii." They shared a smile, rummaging through drawers so Naruto could wrap him up. Sasuke insisted on changing Naruto's bandages as well. Then, together, tehy left the room, leaning against each other for support.

Sakura never told them that she'd seen them that day.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story hits a little close to home and although it's ultimately healing, I often struggle a bit after editing a chapter.

Chapter Seven: Fragility

Fragility: The condition of being easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail

Shikamaru, of course, was the one to let Naruto's condition slip to exactly the wrong person. Offhand, in a message to Gaara on Temari's behalf, he mentioned something about Kakashi not getting enough paperwork done while sitting in Naruto's hospital room. Gaara got it on the evening of Naruto's fourth day in the hospital and was on the road with Kankuro before dawn.

The arrived before noon the day after next, meeting Kakashi, Shikamaru, Temari and a dangerous looking Sasuke at the gate. Gaara wasn't sure whether they were a welcoming committee or whether they'd come to make sure Sasuke didn't murder Shikamaru. He was civil to Gaara and Kankuro, offering to escort Gaara (Kankuro wasn't invited) to the hospital. After making brief arrangements for meetings, meals and lodgings, Gaara accepted.

"What happened?" He bluntly queried as they walked. Sasuke's jaw tightened ever so slightly.

"He is struggling with the aftermath of the war." That wasn't a real answer.

"What happened?" He asked again. Sasuke sighed explosively.

"Ask him yourself." The rest of the journey was silent. Gaara was, not for the first time, grateful that he was used to not sleeping. The perfect day and relaxed atmosphere of the peaceful town, combined with his fatigue from the long journey, made him tired and his thoughts muddled. His concern for Naruto didn't help either.

Upon arrival, Sasuke stopped him, giving him a stare and using a tone that was saturated with gravity.

"His state of mind is...fragile. There are bandages and a prominent risk for further harm or even…" He stopped himself, then continued without finishing his sentence. "He's mobile, speaking, but wary. Like I said, ask him if you will, but be careful and don't push him too hard." His dangerous eye dared Gaara to defy his rules. Gaar wasn't intimidated, but he understood that the words were out of concern, not direct distrust. He nodded seriously.

"I understand." Sasuke acknowledged this, pointing to a staircase.

"Third floor, on the right, number 323. I'll come check up in a half hour." They met eyes for a moment, an understanding passing between them as they read mutual care and concern for Naruto in each other. Then Gaara entered the hospital.

He had mixed feelings about hospitals. On the one hand, the smells of antiseptic and death that hung in the air set him on edge. The sounds of overly cheery nurses and suffering people, especially children, made him feel ill at ease. It also recalled memories of his younger days, when he'd nearly killed Rock Lee after their battle in the Chuunin exams.

The memory was bittersweet, inseparably connected with his anger at Sasuke, his gratitude and awe for Naruto and his sympathy. Sure, he'd done some things he wasn't proud of, but it had resulted in the metamorphosis that had freed him.

He knocked on Naruto's door, glad that he wasn't in critical condition. The further from the Intensive Care Unit and Operating Rooms, the better. The blond opened the door with a bleary stumble that made Gaara smile, simultaneously feeling guilty and fond. He'd obviously woken Naruto up. His forehead creased slightly. Had Naruto always been so thin or was his tank top just overly baggy?

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Naruto blinked, squinting as though to make sure his eyes were working properly. Then they widened and his mouth fell open.

"Gaara?" The weary Kazekage nodded. Naruto had him in a tight, one armed hug in a moment. "I thought so, but I wasn't sure. Usually the hair gives it away, but…" He trailed off, squeezing his friend tighter for a moment. "I'm glad you're here." A red flag went up in Gaara's head. Something was off with his hair? Sure, he'd let it grow out a little so it lay flatter, but it wasn't that different.

"My hair?" He asked, probing not on behalf of his vanity, but to see if Naruto would explain his condition more clearly.

"The color." He explained. "I can't really see color right now except…" He stopped abruptly, biting his lip as his eyes glazed over for a moment. Impulsively, Gaara put out a hand to grip his arm. Naruto started slightly, looked at the hand, then relaxed and nodded in gratitude.

"May I come in?" Gaara asked quietly. Naruto nodded, stepping back far enough to allow entrance, but not far enough to break the contact on his arm. Gaara stepped in, following Naruto to the messily made bed. He took care not to remove his hand, noticing Naruto moved with great care to ensure the contact remained. Once they were seated, he bluntly asked what was on his mind.

"What happened?" The words were direct, but his tone was gentle. Naruto looked away, his hand lifting so he was gripping Gaara's arm as well as vice versa. He was clearly battling internally, and Gaara caught glimpses of shame, fear, grief, loneliness, guilt and a deep apathy that terrified him. Above all else, Naruto cared, intensely, deeply, obsessively. This emptiness that slowly threatened to drown out the other emotions was simply wrong.

"Please talk to me. You're scaring me." He could be honest. Naruto could read him like a book anyway. There was no shame in sharing his fear with one of the three people he admired and trusted most. His voice caught Naruto's attention and those blue eyes locked into his aqua ones, his hand clutching Gaara's arm like it was a raft and he was drowning. Maybe he was.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry." His voice was barely a whisper. Gaara shook his head.

"That's not what I meant. I mean I'm worried about you and I don't know what's wrong and that scares me."

"I didn't mean to worry you either." Gaara sighed.

"It comes with the job of friend, Naruto. You taught me that. I reserve the right to worry about you as I please." Naruto studied his friend a moment, then smiled a little and began to explain.

"I've been...struggling. No food sounds good, sleeping is terrifying, I just feel empty. We had a mission and Kakashi pulled me back. I… hurt myself." His grip on Gaara's wrist was tight. "Blood is the only thing with color. I tried to… end it. Kakashi stopped me."

Gaara felt sick. He'd been at some bad places in his life, wanted to hurt. But he'd never wanted to die. And now, as he looked around the plain room, he realized that there was more color than he'd noticed. Pale blue pitcher, blond hair, green leaves outside, cream walls, his own red clothes, blue eyes. Could Naruto really see none of it? Gaara tried to picture everything as gray and lifeless.

"I'm glad he did." Gaara murmured. "You're my first and best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you." Naruto latched his gaze into Gaara's, searching, it seemed, for some sign of exaggeration or dishonesty. Gaara knew he would find none.

They were silent for some time, enjoying the simple comfort of each other's company. Sasuke came up eventually, entering the room without waiting for permission. His eyes were wary, but upon seeing that Naruto was calm and content, he relaxed.

"Is something wrong?" Naruto asked, glancing up at Sasuke. The dark haired ninja shook his head.

"Hinata Hyuga-san is here. Can she come up?" Gaara watched Naruto's eyes light up.

"I'll come down and get her. I need the exercise." He looked at Gaara. "Come down with me?" The Kazekage nodded and they rose, Naruto carefully pulling on a hoodie.

Gaara couldn't help but smile as the dark haired woman tenderly embraced Naruto. He recognized her from the war, and from the funeral for the hero, Neji Hyuga. The two of them were gently affectionate, fingertips mobile as they caressed hands and faces and shoulders, all peaceful expressions and soft voices. Gaara felt a twinge of envy and loneliness, covering it with introverted contemplation.

He considered the different kinds of affection he'd witnessed. Shikamaru and Temari were practical, so comfortable with each other that they could be blunt and honest without true anger and hurt. His own brother was more flashy and flirtatious in a romantic setting, but his familial affections were characterized by a constant effort to keep everyone happy and healthy.

This was different from both. Naruto was drawn by Hinata's inner strength and goodness, by her loyalty and determination. Gaara didn't know Hinata well enough to guess her motivations, but anyone could see that her feelings were honest and deep. She didn't care whether he was a hero or a garbage collector, handsome or ugly, whole or broken. He was her joy just as she was his life. They balanced each other: She was calm and quiet, he was energetic and loud; she was shy, he was outgoing; she thought ahead and planned, he rushed in and went on instinct; he was the sun that allowed her to shine and she was the silent force that drew his tides of emotion.

"Beautiful." Gaara whispered, forgetting that Sasuke was just beside him.

"They are, aren't they?" The other answered, his tone softer than Gaara had ever heard it. He glanced over, seeing a sort of wistfulness in the Uchiha. Then he saw the third member of Team Seven standing nearby. His mind helpfully supplied a name.

"Good day, Sakura-san." He greeted politely. She smiled.

"Good to see you, Gaara-sama. What brings you to Konoha?" He glanced at Naruto, still obliviously talking with Hinata.

"Personal business." He said. Sakura nodded.

"He's doing much better. Thank you for coming. You're a good friend." She bowed her head slightly.

"Not nearly as good as he is to me." He answered. "Not even close."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter really hinges on something I saw in the manga (never watched all of the anime) where Sasuke and other Sharingan users can use the Sharingan to sort of enter Naruto's mindspace. I don't know if they've ever done it with others, I'm assuming that it's something to do with Naruto being a jinchuuriki, but that's going to play heavily into this fic. Thanks!

Chapter 8: Pain

Pain: An unpleasant sensation that can range from mild, localized discomfort to agony. Pain has both physical and emotional components...The word "pain" comes from the Latin "poena" meaning a fine, a penalty.

Kurama, though currently without a body of his own, felt every pain that ran through the body of his host, both physical and emotional. He felt the draining fatigue, the sharp chills, the dangerous glass-shard guilt and the drowning emptiness. He saw, through the eyes of Naruto, the nightmares that cut off his breath and tore at his soul. His own world drained of color as Naruto's eyes dimmed.

Since the war and the subsequent growth of trust between them, Kurama was more or less given free reign, as long as he didn't threaten or damage anything. Not that he had any desire to do so. He had grown fond of his container, with his straightforward attitude, stubborn idealism and powerful convictions. They had grown close, Naruto often holding conversations with him throughout the day. Kurama considered himself honored to be a trusted confidant.

Then, gradually, Naruto had retreated from him. If Kurama's space within Naruto's mind was a huge, open courtyard in the center of his mind manor, Naruto was walking the peripheries to get to the dark and suffocating cells in the basement, where terrors and aching loneliness wandered and wailed. He'd lock himself in a room no larger than a coffin, closing the hatch and allowing his tormenting, dark thoughts to prod knives and lightning and poisons through the air holes. Kurama knew, but he dared not go there, afraid his own hateful savagery would reemerge.

However, the line between internal torment and external harm had been crossed. The fools out there with him had no clue that all they'd done was convince him that a bandage and a kiss would fix it. Instead of helping him slay his demons, they were ignoring them, assuming that with time, they would disappear.

All that it had changed was the demons' tactics.

Instead of minor, constant gnawing on his fingertips with impotent baby teeth, occasionally punctuated by brief episodes of poisonous hatred that were more or less shaken off, now they whispered sugared toxin into his ears when he was awake, attacking him brutally with all the fury and grief he pent up when he was trapped in sleep. Without periods of true healing, he grew weaker, shakier, more fragile.

This 'getting better' was the calm before the storm, and when it hit, Naruto would die. Whether or not his heart stopped was irrelevant. It would end all that was vital to Naruto: his joy, his hope, his trust, his independence and strength. It would shatter his soul and leave him an empty shell. Kurama couldn't stand for that. He had to do something.

So, knowing he was damaging his trust with Naruto, but willing to risk it, he waited for Naruto's moment of highest vulnerability, just before the blond fell asleep, and took over. With pain in his heart, he locked a frantic Naruto, mentally, in a warm, safe room in his own mind.

The Uchiha brat, seeing Naruto's eyes flash red, stiffened. He called his friend's name.

"Sorry, brat. It's me. Naruto won't tell you what's really going on and someone's gotta know. I'll get told off later for this but hear me out because I won't let this kid poison himself from the inside out." Sasuke, wary but sensing sincerity, nodded.

"Explain."

Kurama laid out the inner changes Naruto had undergone, the ones they were only seeing the surface of on the outside. How Naruto's internal world was constantly dark, held together by blood-stained bandages and shredded hitai-ate. How voices of long-dead comrades echoed down hallways once wide and straight, now twisted and claustrophobic. How Naruto locked himself in a vertical coffin and begged for his torturous self-hatred and guilt to help him pay for the evil he'd done. How every reflective surface in a mind once bright and shining with hope was covered and if the covers were removed, a monstrous face peered out.

"Do you recognize the face?" The Uchiha asked. Kurama grimaced.

"It's how Naruto sees himself. A murderous, evil, twisted monster." Sasuke shifted.

"So what you're saying is that Naruto is torturing himself out of guilt for things he had no control over, hates himself, and has completely given up on being happy." Kurama shrugged.

"More or less." He paused. "For him, there is no color in the world. Everything is lifeless and gray, except… well, he has this delusion that the blood in his veins isn't his. That it is somehow the blood of all those who've died for him. It alone has color, and he takes that to mean that it doesn't belong to him. He's convinced that every breath he takes, he steals from someone 'more deserving'." He made air quotes with Naruto's one arm. Sasuke sighed explosively.

"Why didn't he say something?"

"Because he thinks he deserves it. It's a drug to him, a brief release of guilt. And if it happens to kill him, all the better. Someone else will get to breathe. His thinking, not mine." He added, seeing the eye that held the Sharingan turned on him. Even without it activated, he felt the power of it. It made him nervous and itchy. The Uchiha considered his words, then relaxed slightly.

"I appreciate your concern and information, however if you take him over without his permission again, I will paralyze you within him for all eternity. Is that understood?" Kurama nodded, unlocking the inner room and retreating back to his courtyard. Or at least, he tried. Every time he went back, he found himself back in the front of Naruto's mind again.

"Let him come back." Sasuke commanded. Kurama frowned.

"I'm trying." He peeked inside the room, feeling nausea hit his stomach. Mental Naruto lay on the floor, wrapped in black, ragged bandages from head to toe, only his dead, unseeing eyes peeking out. Mental Kurama ran in, lifting Naruto's limp form. He was breathing, if only barely. He felt the incursion of the Uchiha, yelling so he could find his way to them.

Mental Sasuke entered the room, seeing Kurama holding Naruto's restricted, limp form. He didn't think the fox knew that tears were streaming down his face, a keening whimper leaving his throat. Sasuke knelt, touching the thin strip of flesh that peeked around the bandages. There was no response.

"Naruto." He called, begging, commanding, needing Naruto to answer.

"Come on, kid." Kurama growled through clenched teeth.

The limp body suddenly stiffened, eyes flying open. His gaze locked on something Sasuke couldn't see and he screamed, long and high, muffled by the bandages. He didn't struggle, didn't respond to their voices or their touch. Tears streamed from his eyes as he sobbed, gasping. Then he disappeared, though his screams still resounded through the halls.

"The cell." Kurama growled, racing off with Sasuke on his heels. The twisted through the corridors, turning sideways or crawling where necessary. A couple of times, they had to turn back, their route blocked by steel walls that reverberated with screams. Sasuke felt dizzy, adrenaline rushing through him despite only being a mental projection. Kurama's cursing grew steadily more virulent and loud.

Finally, they hit a tightly wound, incredibly steep, spiral staircase, swinging down over the railing instead of trying to keep their footing on the steps. They hit the bottom and started off at a dead run, Kurama covering his ears against the ringing cries.

Sasuke wasn't so lucky. With only one arm and running, he couldn't cover his ears. Distantly, he felt his eardrums in the physical world burst from the pressure, reacting to the chakra filled screams. He grit his teeth, holding down waves of dizzy nausea. The screams throbbed around him, sonic pulses that threw him off balance.

He was relatively fine until he stumbled, but then he couldn't seem to get his limbs in order again. They flopped and seized intermittently, driving him to the ground. He gasped and choked as he vomited, curling up to protect his head, his pounding, exploding, aching head.

"Naruto." He croaked, forcing himself to uncurl, to crawl against the merciless waves of sound toward his brother. Time turned fluid, centered around one motion at a time, endless and instantaneous.

He reached the cell door, clawing his way up by the bolts and the window. He pressed his face to the glass, feeling as though the power of the screams was shredding him, tearing him apart molecule by molecule. He called for Naruto again, trying to make headway against the force.

He almost lost his grip as his physical body outside fell out of its chair and hit the floor, convulsing. He forced himself back, focusing his Sharingan on Naruto's rolling eyes.

"Naruto!" He screamed, forcing all his remaining chakra into the blond ninja. The scream cut off, the ringing that remained holding out for several long moments. The air grew still and Sasuke slumped against the door. Shaking hard, he fumbled for the latch, cursing when he couldn't get a grip on it. Finally though, he managed, leaning his whole weight back to drag the door open.

Naruto was strapped down, stiff and terrified in the restraints. Sasuke fell against the table, forcing his hand to undo the straps. Then his strength failed him and he fell, clutching Naruto's hand as he lost control of his body. He breathed heavily, body aching.

Naruto didn't respond. He was still and barely breathing. His hand was limp and clammy. Sasuke gasped out his brother's name once more, then his consciousness went black.

Sakura first noticed something was wrong when Naruto screamed. She raced to his room, flinging open the door. The blond ninja's eyes were open, rolled back and whites showing as he screamed. Sasuke, limp in the chair beside him, stiffened. She shook his arm.

"Sasuke!" No answer. She realized he'd done something, probably used his Sharingan, to somehow enter or link with Naruto's mind. She briefly considered that he might be the reason for Naruto's panic. Then Naruto ran out of air, scream winding down to nothing. He didn't inhale. He just lay there, seemingly unable to fill his lungs. HIs eyes still rolled, mouth gaping as a horrible choking sound cut the air.

Sasuke was instantly on high alert, racing to him. She shook him, trying to get him to respond. She tipped his head back, checking his airways for blockages. She felt slightly nauseous as she realized he'd bitten his tongue and was drowning in his own blood. She sat him up, tipping him forward so the blood drained out. He still didn't breathe.

Suddenly, Sasuke shuddered. He began to convulse, falling out of his chair as he seized. Sakura screamed for help, propping Naruto up on a pillow to keep him leaned forward before kneeling to help Sasuke. Blood trickled from his ears, his body tense as convulsions wracked him. She carefully placed herself between his head and the floor. A nurse came in, followed by a second.

"Lift Uzumaki, let his airways drain. You, get an anti-seizure injection and a second bed, move!" To their credit, the nurses did, getting to work calmly and efficiently.

Then, with a cough and a gasp, Naruto breathed. He sobbed, gulped, wailed and screamed but he breathed. Sasuke fell completely limp, skin gray as ash as the seizure passed. By that point, an orderly had arrived and under Sakura's direction, They got Sasuke situated and healed Naruto's tongue. Naruto was still moaning, keening like an exhausted and frightened child. He didn't seem to be awake, but neither was he fully asleep.

Kakashi showed up moments later, going pale with worry as Sakura shakily explained what had happened. He nodded though, clearing his expression.

"I'll calm Naruto. You focus on Sasuke." With that, he moved to the blond's side, lifting Naruto's upper body so he could sit behind and hold him. Naruto stiffened, beginning to cry again, but slowly calmed as Kakashi murmured gently to him. She curled against his mentor and fell asleep there.

Sakura had more trouble. Healing eardrums was a difficult and delicate task and her focus and calm were shot. She focused inward briefly, bringing herself under control. Then, one at a time, she fixed his ears, knitting the delicate membranes back together.

Sasuke woke a few hours later, eyes moving under the lids as he tried to force them to open against his exhausted body's will. Finally, he managed to crack one open, staring with dull confusion at Sakura. She could almost watch the gears clicking as he pieced together what had happened. Then, a light came on in his one visible eye.

"Naruto?" He whispered.

"Sleeping." She replied, quietly to spare his still tender ears. "What happened?" She asked and he frowned in reply.

"The Kyuubi switched with him to tell me that Naruto was struggling much more than we thought. He tried to switch back but Naruto had...restrained himself with terror. I used my Sharingan's connection with the Tailed Beasts to enter and help, but he transported to some kind of inner self-torture chamber. His screams were powerful in there, chakra saturated. They damaged me, but I got to him and calmed him down." It wasn't the strangest thing that Sakura had heard or experienced, so she simply nodded.

"He's waking up." Kakashi called softly. Sakura helped Sasuke sit up, supporting him over to the other bed. Kakashi was gently holding Naruto to his chest in case the blond woke up distressed. Sasuke instinctively took Naruto's hand, hoping it would be calming.

As it turned out, Naruto was still all but catatonic upon waking, eyes dull, jaw slack, gaze unfocused. He didn't respond to anything said to him, didn't say a word. He just stared off into the distance, a low drone emanating from his throat almost constantly. Sasuke tried to awaken him with his Sharingan until he nearly passed out. Kakashi just hugged him and carded his fingers through that blond hair. Sakura left. She had work to do and besides, she couldn't watch anymore. That wasn't her Naruto.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 - Release

Release: a freeing or releasing from confinement, obligation, pain, emotional strain, etc

The only thing they found over the next few hours that got Naruto to react was if Sasuke or Kakashi tried to leave. When Sasuke stood up to get a drink, Naruto whimpered until their hands were clasped again. Kakashi tried to shift Naruto so he could do paperwork and Naruto screamed, clutching at his sensei in pure terror.

Finally, Sasuke and Kakashi managed to switch positions, Sasuke holding Naruto in the bed and Kakashi in the chair, distractedly scanning and signing pages. Sasuke dozed lightly, Naruto's low moan becoming a white noise that lulled him in and out of sleep. He awoke when, abruptly, it stopped. His gaze flicked down, seeing that Naruto was asleep, shivering slightly and pale, but peaceful. Kakashi wordlessly drew the blankets over them, returning to his papers. Sasuke felt drained.

"Perhaps since he's already responded favorably to their company, we should allow the Kazekage and Hinata-san to visit." The Uchiha murmured. "We'll be no use to him at this rate. We need to be able to rest." Kakashi agreed, but was surprised that Sasuke had admitted it without prompting.

"I will speak to them." He said. "Probably Sai as well. He's part of the team too, you know." He said pointedly. Sasuke sighed.

"I know." There was much more under those words: loneliness, anxiety, guilt, fatigue.

"Rest. I'll keep watch." Sasuke did, drifting off quickly with his head rested on top of Naruto's and his one arm wrapped around the other ninja's torso protectively. Shikamaru came for the papers and Kakashi asked him to have Gaara, Hinata and Sai come by in the morning. Then he returned to his chair, keeping vigilance over his students.

Between the six of them, they worked out a series of shifts. Sakura and Hinata from ten in the morning to six at night, Sasuke and Gaara from six to two in the morning, Kakashi and Sai from two to ten. He was never alone, always one from his original team and another friend.

The first day was rough, Naruto unused to the new schedule, but he quickly adjusted, adaptable even when trapped within his own mind. Kurama occasionally sent mental reports by taking over Naruto's arm to write. The were short, terse, and fairly repetitive, but they helped.

Still wandering, still avoiding me, still foggy in here. He is actually avoiding the basement though.

He's confused, but he likes the schedule. Try some lemonade, I think he'll like the smell.

Shukaku's brat, he's stopped actually sleeping. Any tips? Also, he liked the lemonade, so I was right.

He needs a purpose, a destination. This wandering is stagnating.

Be careful, he's been eyeing the basement stairs. I sense an imminent explosion.

Turns out the fox was, once again, right. When Gaara and Sasuke came in that evening, his gaze was intense, if still unfocused on reality. His sunken cheeks were flushed, dark-circled eyes feverish and glazed. Sakura looked on while Hinata held his arm, faces tense and voices weary when they greeted the boys.

"If one of us isn't holding his arm, he starts clawing. He finally stopped actively struggling half an hour ago." Sakura explained. Sasuke noticed a new bandage wound around Naruto's thigh, barely visible under his baggy shorts.

"We've got this, go rest." The Uchiha said, seating himself and taking Naruto's arm from Hinata. The girl kissed Naruto's sweaty forehead, accepting Sakura's comforting arm over her shoulders as they left. The door clicked shut and silence fell. It was eery, Sasuke having gotten used to Naruto's constant drone. Gaara had no expression outwardly, but his fists were clenched, arms crossed. This was normal, but there was something about the line of his shoulders that exposed discomfort.

"It's like looking at a younger version of myself." The redhead muttered. "Hatred, obsession, delusion. Only his is all internal where mine was focused outward." He sighed, releasing tension and pulling up a second chair. "I wish I could just get in there and speak to him." At least on the subject of Naruto, he and Uchiha saw eye to eye.

"Maybe you can." Sasuke replied after a moment, musingly. "It's not without risk and you'd have to trust my Sharingan. Last time I went in, he gave me a seizure." Sasuke looked studyingly at Gaara. "He also ended up like this. Are you still wanting to go in?"

"Gaara read in those eyes a haunting, not the wounds of guilt and loss that had already been there, but a fresh pain of frantic worry and harsh trauma. Whatever he'd seen in the depths of Naruto's tortured psyche was horrific and graphic. But had Naruto not done the same for both of them? Had he not risked his own life and sanity to get them to this point when they had been homicidal and destructive and cruel?

"He needs someone. You've had a chance. Please let me try." Sasuke scrutinized him for another long moment, then nodded. He turned, pulling Gaara's hand to Naruto's.

"A physical connection may help. Also, try to relax. I'm not going to look, only connect. What do you want to be a signal to pull you out?" Gaara considered.

"If I were to yell at you in there, would you hear me?" Sasuke considered.

"If it was aimed at me, then yes."

"Then the signal will be 'Kyuubi'." He decided. Sasuke nodded, then stared him in the eyes with an intensity that almost made Gaara's skin crawl. He tried to calm, to empty his mind of everything but Naruto. That eye suddenly flashed red and Gaara felt himself falling. After a moment of utter blackness, he found himself in a dense fog.

"Hello?" He called, confusion and fatigue turning him dizzy. That was odd. He'd indulged in a rare nap the previous night. A dark shape loomed from the fog, turning to orange fur and swishing tails.

"Oh, it's you. Shukaku and Naruto told me about you." The fox said. "I assume you're here to talk to him?" Gaara nodded, feeling too tired to speak here. The fox noticed and held out a paw.

"His emotions can take a little getting used to. I'll take you as close as I can, but he'll run if he knows I'm close." Gaara clambered up, leaning heavily against the thumb once he got on. He felt like he was drifting, exhausted, his mind straining to remember why he was here at all. His arms itched horribly. He scratched at one listlessly.

Then they stopped and Gaara heaved himself off of the lowered hand, still scratching. The fox watched him sway and scratch, frowning. Gaara forced himself to focus, picking out the sound of footsteps to his left. He took deep, fast breaths to pump oxygen to his brain, though he knew it was mental and not physical awakening he sought.

"You sure you'll be okay? It's affecting you pretty badly." Gaara shook himself, forcing his hand down as he answered the fox.

"I'll be fine, thank you." Kurama shrugged.

"Fine." Gaara started into the mist, wishing he had his sand to scout for him. Naruto wasn't far though, and as Gaara cautiously approached, he looked up. His eyes were wandering, but for the first time in a while, they saw Gaara, recognized him. He had a small stick and was drawing in a random patch of dirt. Gaara realized this Naruto was a small child, the same one he'd seen in his Tsukiyomi dream.

"Gaara-nii?" The child asked dreamily. "Am I dying?" Gaara walked over to him, kneeling down to study the drawing in the dirt.

"What's this?" He asked, pointing to the seemingly random swirls and lines. The child smiled slowly, kneeling next to Gaara.

"It's the pattern of blood on big-me's hand." He answered, sketching the form of a hand around the lines and swirls. Gaara realized, with horror, that the lines were the creases of palm and fingers and that the swirls were rivulets of blood. He glanced at the child, startled when it was the face of Genin Naruto looking back.

"Am I dying?" The kid asked. Gaara again ignored the question, shrugging off the wave of fatigue that hit him with some difficulty.

"Where's big Naruto?" He asked. Genin Naruto shrugged, almost tipping himself off balance with the simple motion. He giggled drunkenly and Gaara noticed there were bruises all over the boy.

"Around somewhere." He slurred.

"Are you alright?" Gaara asked.

"Oh I'm fine." The boy said. "Just-" He cut himself off with a sharp cuff to his own face. "-punishing-" Another cuff, convulsive and habitual. "-this-" Once more. "-failure." A hard heel to his own gut, twisting his form with a crack and a shriek of hysterical laughter as his hip popped out of place.

Before Gaara could move, the form shifted, becoming the Naruto he'd known after three years away from Konoha, the one who had offered his own chakra to resurrect Gaara. He was still wheezing with laughter, tears streaming down his face. With the shift came a suffocating wave of exhaustion and loneliness. Gaara felt his muscles go slack and weak and he collapsed.

"This new form also sported bleeding cuts on it's arms and legs. He jerkily rolled over, popping his hip back into place with a hard thrust and a sickening twist. He crawled to Gaara, looking down at him from above with a drugged grin.

"Am I dying?" He asked once more. Gaara groaned, forcing himself into a half sitting position. By the time his head stopped spinning, teenaged Naruto was taking a kunai to his inner thigh, cutting the characters for 'monster' and 'failure' and 'killer' into his flesh, haphazard and deep and overlapping.

"Why are you doing this?" Gaara pleaded, his hand falteringly reaching for the knife. "You're hurting yourself." The teen laughed.

"This self belongs to all those who have died in my stead. This self deserves to be alone because all around him are ruined. This self is so empty that pain is the only way to feel." With every sentence, the teen morphed, aging until the emaciated and pale form that Gaara had entered into outside was the one before him. Gaara was paralyzed, bones turned to liquid, breaths harsh and shallow. This form was all skin and angles, dark circles and hollows on pale skin. It was dripping sluggish blood, throwing up red tinged acid every few moments while it cackled drily and cried pink tears.

"Am I dying?" It screamed?

"Kyuubi." Gaara croaked, desperately turning his thoughts to Sasuke. "Kyuubi!"

He shot upright with a choking gasp, eyes streaming and throat dry. He was shaking, coughing, blinking to try to clear the horrendous images from his mind. He was aware of Naruto's hand still under his, clenched in his tight, terror driven grip.

"Gaara!" Sasuke said, and his tone told Gaara it wasn't the first time his name had been called. With a huge force of will, he locked his eyes into that dark gaze, forcing himself to focus.

"What happened? Are you alright?" Gaara struggled to hold onto the meaning of those questions, to grasp them long enough to form an answer. His mind was consumed by those haunted eyes, that pleading desperation that had turned the air to suffocating poison.

"He's dying in there." Gaara stammered. "He's exhausted and hurting and confused." He cursed under his breath, stumbling to his feet. He paced, tripping over himself. He'd never been so shaken.

"Gaara." Sasuke was there, hand on his arm. Gaara barely noticed the familiarity of the touch. When had they gotten so comfortable with each other? "Breathe. And sit down before your knees buckle." The words were slow to become comprehensive and by the time he understood them, Sasuke had helped him slide to the floor.

"Is he dying?" Gaara whispered, his mind still reeling. "Is he...am I dying?" Sasuke's grip tensed, gaze sharp and grave.

"He's not dying and you're fine."

"That's what he kept saying." Gaara tried to explain. "Every time he changed, he asked if he was dying."

"Changed?" Sasuke asked.

"He started as a small child and kept aging. Every time he changed, new wounds appeared and I felt so tired." His mind was clearing, slowly. He swallowed, slowing his breathing. "His emotions are overwhelming in there." Sasuke nodded thoughtfully, seeming about to speak. Then he froze, eyes widening as he spun around. Gaara saw it the moment Sasuke did.

How Naruto had slipped a kunai from one of them without them noticing, they didn't know. But now, the knife was buried to the hilt in Naruto's gut. His hand gripped the hilt, twisting it sharply before he yanked it out. Blood gushed forth and Sasuke stopped him before he could plunge it in again. Gaara instinctively jumped forward, pressing his hands firmly over the gaping wound.

"We need some help in here." Sasuke called, loudly yet calmly. His desperation remained trapped in his eyes, where they fixed on the blade. Naruto was struggling for it, knuckles white as he resisted Sasuke's attempts to take it. He was weak, however, and Sasuke prevailed as Tsunade entered, trailing nurses. She look in the situation, face grim. She had allowed several years to bleed back into her face and now appeared about fifty. Her steel spine and calm competence were still in full effect.

"Sasuke-kun, take the knife and leave. Gaara-sama, please remain and hold the pressure until we can stop the bleeding." Sasuke hesitated. "Now." Tsunade intoned, practically daring him to disobey. He scowled, but left. Gaara kept his eyes on her, hoping it would keep him from losing it at the warm pulse of blood, Naruto's blood, that coated his hands.

Soon though, the bleeding stopped and Gaara was dismissed so they could operate on Naruto's damaged organs. Apparently, Sasuke was more attentive than he appeared because Temari and Kankuro were waiting in the hallway when he stumbled out, still covered in blood. He was struggling to breathe, head spinning. Kankuro approached carefully, his hands on Gaara's shoulders supportively.

"Hey, let's get you cleaned up." They led him to the bathroom, Temari ignoring the 'men only' sign. Luckily, it was the middle of the night and no one else was in there. Gaara washed his hands until they felt raw while Temari wiped his face and Kankuro helped him strip off his shirt. Having nothing else. He gave Gaara his own, too-large, warm shirt. Finally, he felt like he had to speak.

"He'll be okay. Tsunade-sama is with him. He'll be fine." Temari nodded, ruffling his hair lovingly.

"Yeah, he'll be great." Gaara was still shaky and when he tried to release his grip on the sink, his knees buckled. Kankuro caught him, lowering him gently to the ground.

"Okay, little bro. Just breathe." Gaara tried, but his head was pounding with the echo of that horrible question. 'Am I dying?' He realised that it wasn't the question itself that bothered him, but the maniacal eagerness with which he'd asked. Gaara could feel his chest heaving, but he couldn't seem to calm. Kankuro's hand was on his chest, he was saying something but Gaara couldn't hear. Everything turned hazy, a silent scream filling him.

"Am I dying?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an aside though. I have been hospitalized twice in 13 months for suicide attempts/plans and been recommended to go twice more and ignored those recommendations twice more in the same time period. And let me tell you as someone who knows, I get the feeling of being hopeless, exhausted, in pain and miserable and knowing that it's a long, hard road to recovery with no real guarantee at the end. Not all counselors are amazing as mine. Friends and family sometimes make shitty support systems. Mental illness is a daily war against yourself and it feels like you can never win. And sometimes, you can't.
> 
> But please, please, keep trying. Find a reason. Give yourself a time goal. Survive until your next appointment, until the next season of your favorite show hits Netflix, until you finish that one project. Survive for your sibling. Survive for your pet. Survive for me. Survive for the barista who memorized your name. Survive for this story. Survive for yourself and your dreams. But survive just one more day. And if you can't...I love you anyway. I understand you. Until next time my lovelies.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 - Recovery

Recovery: 1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

2\. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

Temari knew that Gaara had a close relationship with Naruto. She knew that blood reminded him of the things he'd done when he was younger. She knew, from what Sasuke Uchiha had said, that he was rattled by whatever he'd seen in Naruto's mind and she knew that although he'd never said anything, the war had affected him badly.

She hadn't expected them to all come to a head as a full-blown panic attack. She stood frozen and unsure while Kankuro tried to get their little brother to relax, to slow his breathing. Gaara never panicked. Gaara never cried. Gaara was the sand, steady yet dynamic, powerful and familiar, a storm of controlled passions.

This boy that collapsed to the ground, that shook and paled, that muttered and cried and hyperventilated, this boy was unfamiliar. Yet in him, she could clearly see her brother, the lonely boy of two or three who didn't yet understand, who still smiled and pouted and sang nonsense songs. She'd almost forgotten that boy ever existed, almost forgotten the tiny infant that snuggled against her, the baby that clutched her fingers as he learned to walk, the little coos of 'Teri' that echoed as she chased him around the house as a toddler.

She came back to the present, seeing her brother hyperventilating, eyes rolling, crying out an unintelligible phrase. She fell to her knees, gathering him in her arms, ignoring the bruises that formed from his terrified flailing. She felt sand creeping jerkily up her limbs and shivered, but forced himself to ignore it.

"Shh," She soothed, rocking him gently. "It's okay, everything will be okay. We're right here." His flailing slowed to convulsive twitching and he frowned.

"Nee-chan?" He murmured, seeming confused. Again, she was vividly reminded of tiny Gaara the first few years of his life, when he didn't realize that Shukaku took over when he slept. He clutched her hand, grip seizing every few seconds.

"I'm right here, so is Kankuro." She said, carefully running her fingers through his hair. He shifted in her grip, pulling away from her slightly.

"Is the war over?" She nodded.

"We won." She added and he relaxed, curling close to her again.

"Good. I'm tired."

"Then sleep." she said simply, watching him as he calmed, eyes drifting shut. A surge of fondness washed over her. Kankuro sighed, scooting so he was next to her with his back against the wall. They didn't speak, just sat there with their sleeping little brother.

When the tile grew uncomfortable, Kankuro gently lifted Gaara against his bare chest, remarking with an affectionate smile that his brother was lighter than his puppets. They moved to the waiting room, curling together on the couch with Temari sitting up, Kankuro sprawled with his head in her lap and Gaara laid over his chest. They slept.

Sasuke ended up in the waiting room as well with Kakashi, Sai, and Sakura trailing him grimly. Kakashi convinced Sai to quickly sketch an image of the Sand Siblings, citing that they'd want it later. As distractions went, it was pretty good.

Tsunade came out a few hours later, bloodstained, but with relief in her eyes.

"He'll be fine." She said. "Physically at least. The wound only barely nicked his intestine and stomach and Gaara-sama's quick action kept his blood loss minimal." She glanced at the still-sleeping trio on the couch, smiling warmly.

"And mentally?" Sasuke asked, concern sounding angry in his throat. She wilted slightly.

"I'm not sure. He hasn't woken up yet. Not that he should have, especially considering…" She stopped abruptly, pressing her lips into a thin line. Sasuke glared, twitching in an effort to restrain his Sharingan.

"Considering what?" He clipped out. Tsunade sighed.

"Not only did his body reject healing chakra, which Sakura tells me has happened before, but it somehow burned through the painkillers so quickly that they had virtually no effect. He went through surgery dry and aware, if not awake." She didn't try to sugarcoat it, didn't try to make it sound okay.

"What kind of effects could that have on his healing?" Kakashi asked, hands clenched together so tightly that his knuckles cracked. His voice, however, was calm and in control.

"Extended time needed for healing, extreme fatigue, muscle strain, increased intensity of pain, confusion, retrograde amnesia in the short term." She sounded exhausted.

"Can we see him?" Sakura asked. Tsunade took in a breath, rubbing the back of her neck.

"Due to the weakness of his immune system, only a few people can go in until he has a chance to recover. One or two at a time, full scrub, sterile, only for an hour at a time." She glanced at them. "So between the five of you here, not counting Sakura because she's a doctor here, you must work it out so it doesn't stress him. He's very fragile." They all shivered. 'Fragile' was not a word that should apply to Naruto. It scared them.

"I will not go in. You all know him better and should spend time with him." Sai said firmly. Sakura gripped his arm as he went to leave.

"You're a member of Team Kakashi and Naruto needs you. He speaks highly of you. Don't you dare cut yourself off like that." Her eyes were flames, her grip tight but not painful. Sai studied her, searching her for the nervous tics that gave away her lies, but her gaze was steady, her jaw was set, her hand was not shaking in the least.

"Thank you, Sakura." He murmured, sitting back again. Tsunade was smiling slightly.

"Make sure Hinata-chan and Gaara-sama get in on this. Try for one person every four hours or so." Then she left, heading for her private room to sleep off the effects of the extensive healing. Sakura followed, citing being one of the only ones qualified to care for her sensei in this condition.

Just as she left, Hinata burst in, flushed and panting. She saw Kakashi and rushed over.

"What happened?" She asked.

"He hurt himself again. My fault. I wasn't watching closely enough." Sasuke growled.

"I'm just as much to blame, Sasuke-san." Gaara said, having been woken by Hinata's entrance and walked over to join the other team. He turned slightly to Kakashi. "I hope I'm not intruding." Kakashi waved him off, smiling.

"You're practically part of the family." He said, half teasing and half serious. Gaara smiled cautiously, then turned back to Sasuke and Hinata.

"I should not have distracted Sasuke-san nor paid so little attention to my weapons. I typically use my sand and sometimes forget I have a weapons pouch for emergencies. The kunai was mine, the distraction mine. Sasuke-san simply reacted." He bowed deeply to the group. "I am truly, deeply sorry." There was a brief silence, then Hinata spoke.

"Please get up, Gaara-sama. As Kakashi-sensei said, you're practically part of the family. It could have happened to any of us." Her voice was quiet and somewhat cautious, but firm and kind. Gaara straightened, seeing answering nods all around. He nodded, lips twitching into a sort of half smile.

"Thanks."

When Naruto awoke, he didn't know where he was. He hurt all over, but mostly his abdomen, where the pain was so sharp, it was hard to breathe. He tried to swallow, but something was in his throat, choking him. He panicked, trying to reach up, to rip out whatever was stuck there.

"Naruto!" The voice was too loud, distorted like it was echoing down a long, long tunnel. He was held by hands, three hands that secured him to a bed. "It's a breathing tube. They can't take it out until you calm down." It was Sasuke. Naruto relaxed as he was told, following the nurse's instructions to cough as the tube was slid out. Oh man, did it hurt to cough. He gasped as the pain sharpened, his left hand finding Sasuke's familiar right and gripping it until the pain weakened slightly.

"Are you alright?" Sasuke asked as Naruto's breathing evened.. Naruto nodded slowly, feeling drained by even these brief actions. He could feel Kurama sending concerned and supportive (if

snarky) comments up from his belly. He sent a promise down to talk later, then focused back outside himself. He realized his eyes were still closed and began slowly forcing them to open. A warm hand settled over his eyes.

"Just let us do the seeing, Naruto. Rest and lay as still as possible. And for heaven's sake, don't try to talk." It was Kakashi. His sensei was there with him, and so was his teme-nii. He relaxed, feeling himself drift towards unconsciousness again. He tightened his grip on Sasuke's hand, slightly annoyed at the newly noticed sensation of the rubber glove that covered it.

"Sleep, dobe. We'll still be here when you wake up." Sasuke said, and so Naruto did, releasing the pain into the black with a sigh. Kurama was waiting when he drifted in, a sunny courtyard half filled with the huge fox. He ran over, clambering up into the hollow between the fox's shoulder blades and burying himself in the thick, warm fur.

"Good to see you again, cub. You scared me for a while there." Naruto yawned, curling closer.

"Don't know what happened, but I'd rather just relax for now, y'know" Just relax a little while." Kurama lay down in the fragrant grass, calming himself so his steady breaths would soothe Naruto. The fog still obscured all the pathways out into the other parts of Naruto, but if Naruto was going to ignore it for now and just relax, he had no problem with that. The boy deserved some rest. He discreetly sent small parts of his chakra to guard the entrances, knowing Naruto could fight them off if he really wanted to confront his inner demons, but feeling better for the action anyway. Then he slept.

Luckily for Naruto, now that he was back in full control, pain medications worked to dull the terrible agony. Luckily for his friends, the drugs kept him sleepy and confused enough that they could sidetrack his questions on what had hurt him. Usually such conversations went something like this.

Naruto: "What happened anyway?"

Anyone else: "You got hurt."

Naruto: "Yeah, but how?"

Anyone else: "Something sharp."

Naruto: "Mission?"

Anyone else: "She's doing really well now, you know."

Naruto: "Who?"

Anyone else: "The girl your team saved."

Naruto: "Really? That's good."

After this point, Naruto had forgotten his original line of inquiry and would usually fall asleep pretty soon afterwards. This continued to work because, as mentioned by Tsunade, his mind held about as much of his short term memory as a colander held water.

"The shock of the injury plus his surgery basically shut down his short term memory temporarily as a way to cope with the pain of it. That along with the previous damage is preventing it from coming back too quickly out of protection. He'll bounce back." She explained after a week.

Gaara and Kankuro had now been gone from Sunagakure for almost 3 weeks. The administration was still functioning well, but some things required Kage approval. He'd been gone too long. Painfully, sadly, he bid goodbye, promising to write and begging for messages in return. He all but threatened that if Kakashi didn't keep him up to date that his fellow Kage would end up with sand in places he didn't know existed yet.

Naruto asked every time he awoke when Gaara would be coming for a week. On the evening of his 33rd day in the hospital, he awoke with a frown.

"Gaara had to go home, huh?" He said. Sakura, on duty while Sasuke and Hinata scrubbed down, nodded and squeezed his hand gently.

"He sent you a couple of letters. Do you want to read them?" He shook his head, muttering something about being tired and laying back. He shook her hand off, hitting the button for more meds. She knew he'd been weaning himself off them and it had been four hours since his last hit, so it didn't worry her too much.

Hinata came in alone, looking apologetic. Sakura left, whispering to her what had happened on the way out. Naruto wasn't asleep, though the drugs had kicked in. He lay with his head tilted to the side, eyes closed, fists clenched under the blankets.

"Sasuke-kun got called in to help with some Sharingan decoding. He'll be coming in later tonight.." She gently settled on the piece of bed he'd left, knowing he'd made sure it was open for her. "Is the pain very bad?" She whispered, running her fingers over his tense forehead. He sucked in a breath, seeming unsure of what to answer. His eyes opened as he exhaled.

"I don't know. I guess… I don't know, I kinda like feeling it a bit. I feel more… alive, I don't know." He bit his lip softly, drawing her hand back to his head when she began to pull away. She happily began stroking his hair, massaging his scalp. He sighed with a contented smile.

"You're such a puppy, Naruto." She giggled, teasingly scratching behind his ear. He melted under her hands, further proving her point. He smiled softly, catching her hand and drawing it to his mouth for a warm kiss.

"Mmm, you smell good." He mumbled sleepily, pulling her towards him. She resisted, blushing madly.

"No, Naruto. Your wounds…" She trailed off as he shushed her.

"Just lay on my arm. If you stay still, I can still kiss you without you touching my wound." He pulled on her again and she gently lay down, finding that his bicep fit under her neck when she lay on her side. She realized her hair was fanning out everywhere and began to pull it back but he stilled her, bending his neck so his face was buried in her silky locks.

"It's lilac and vanilla." She stammered nervously, needing to fill the silence. "We have a very pretty lilac bush outside my room and every year at the end of the season, we take the blooms and

make perfume. And today we were baking so I smell like vanilla too. Sorry, I'm babbling, huh?" He smiled, laughing silently.

"It's okay. I like your voice and your stories." He lifted his head slightly, kissing her head before shifting back. He looked like he should be very uncomfortable, but he also looked happy. She let herself relax, finding his arm a very comfortable pillow and his breaths against her hair very soothing. His scent, though much covered by the sterile environment, was soaked into him and the bedding. It was a warm smell, like sun-drenched cotton and hot metal; it was an earthy smell, like a summer garden or terracotta pots; it was a charged scent, like a fire or a lightning bolt; it was home.

She could tell the instant something went wrong. He stiffened, turning cold and hard beneath her. She opened her eyes, shifting slightly to look up at him. He was pale, eyes wide, jaw tight.

"Naruto?" She sat carefully upright, her hand finding his cheek. He jerked his head away, but not in an 'I hate you' kind of way. She sensed only a confused pain from him, a desperate need to focus until he understood. "Talk to me." She pleaded.

"How did I get hurt?" He asked tightly. She knew, abruptly, that she wasn't going to be able to put him off this time.

"Naruto…" She barely kept control of her stammer, feeling herself retreat from his energies, his hatred, his pain. None of it was aimed at her, but it still hurt, since it was so sharp and she loved him. He fixed those pleading blue eyes on her. She felt her breath stop.

"Please tell me. I need to know." She shook her head hard,

"I-I-I can't. Naruto-kun p-p-please." She hated herself for falling back, for being afraid. "Please ask Sasuke-k-kun when he gets here." But it was too late. She could see that he remembered, that he knew. He looked so hurt, so betrayed by her resistance to telling him. She burst into silent tears, her gaze helplessly locked into his as tears dripped off her face. She shook with soundless sobs.

"Why?" He breathed, begging her for an explanation.

"Because it hurt!" She cried. "It scared me. You could have died and you wouldn't have cared. I would have lost someone else and you would have been happy." She could feel herself breaking, shredding from the inside out. She wanted to shove the words back in and swallow them, but the shrapnel was already flying. She found herself standing, walking to the window, hugging herself.

"Because I thought maybe if you stayed forgetting it, that you wouldn't want to do it again. I can't lose you, not like I lost Neji." Luckily for her, Sasuke came in just then and she ran out, sobbing. Sasuke stepped aside as she barreled past, concern on his face.

"What happened?" He asked, worried about Naruto. The blond was blinking back tears, but didn't say anything. Slowly, deliberately, he settled himself again, closed his eyes, and hit the button for his meds till it locked, injecting the maximum dose into his bloodstream. Sighing, he fell asleep in seconds.

To say that worried Sasuke was an understatement. Naruto was so careful to avoid even getting close to possible addiction. This over-the-top medicating was out of character. So was the sobbing Hinata. Naruto would never, ever hurt her. He sighed, seating himself by the bed.

Kakashi came in around midnight. He looked grim.

"I hear Hinata-chan ran out of here crying earlier." He said. Sasuke nodded wearily.

"She pushed past me before I could figure out what happened. Naruto hit his drug to the maximum and passed out." Kakashi frowned. "I think he remembered something." Sasuke added.

"Something like how this happened?" Sasuke nodded. Kakashi sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"Poor kid. Sacrifices everything and for what? To get trapped in his own mind? It isn't fair." His voice shook with emotion, with memories too close, too strong. He took a deep breath, steadying himself, then sat down in the second chair.

Naruto woke in the very early morning for just long enough to max out his meds again before falling asleep. He refused to say a word, shrank from their hands. Kakashi faithfully reported his condition to Gaara, adding a postscript to the effect of 'Don't even think of coming, your village needs you.'

Hinata didn't come that day. Sakura adjusted the medication drip so the maximum dose was significantly lower. Naruto barely seemed to notice, as though it wasn't the drugs themselves he craved, but the sensation of the button and the excuse to ignore them.

Sasuke stayed all that day and the next night. Halfway through the next day, Sakura shooed him off, telling him strictly not to even think of returning until he'd showered, eaten, and gotten at least four hours of sleep. Kakashi found himself drawn into an important, all day meeting with Sai and Shikamaru as his bodyguards. Sakura had to perform an emergency surgery. Hinata could not be found.

Somehow in all the commotion, each though another would be with Naruto, when in reality he was alone. He awoke in solitude, ready to hit the button again. But without pressure, he found he had no desire to sleep again. He set the button on the tray and lay still and silent for several blissful minutes. He breathed slowly and deeply, tensing each muscle group one at a time to awaken himself. Then, carefully and gradually, he sat up. His wound twinged, but his stitches didn't tear and he didn't begin to bleed again so he scooted back to lean gingerly against the wall. It felt good to be upright.

Now that he was comfortable, he allowed himself to think on what he'd remembered. He wasn't one for frequent or deep introspection. He understood others and how to get along with them horribly, but he was even worse with himself. He just tended to bullheadedly spew emotions until someone figured out what he meant. Sometimes, someone would say something that would resonate with him and he'd agree, not because he'd thought about it, but because it felt right.

However, these memories, these urges, these feelings demanded analysis. Why had he stabbed himself? Why did he want to hurt? Why didn't he care? Did it have to do something with why everything was in grayscale? Why did he hate himself so much?

Even trying to think about it made his head pound. He had no idea where to even begin. Feeling overwhelmed and suffocated, he closed his eyes, seeking out Kurama within him. The fox was still in the meadow, but now it was overcast and Naruto was acutely aware of the shadowy corridors in all directions.

"You okay?" Kurama asked. Naruto sighed, seating himself cross-legged in the grass.

"You gotta help me figure out what's going on. I'm not good at that stuff, but I don't wanna feel like this anymore." Kurama felt a wash of relief and nodded, seating himself likewise. He also took a moment to shrink himself a bit, so he was only a little bigger than Naruto. The blond human smiled at him, then took a deep breath, preparing himself.

"So all I can figure out so far is that Neji's… death had something to do with it." He bit his lip hard, then shook himself. "He shouldn't have died, especially not to protect me."

"It was war, Naruto. A few thousand shinobi sacrificing themselves for a couple million civilians on top of the other ninja. If you had died, Tobi and Madara and that crazy rabbit lady would have won." Naruto growled with frustration.

"Yeah, maybe. But I could have been faster, could have been stronger. I should have been paying attention." He scowled at the ground. Kurama sighed, a combination of frustration and fondness behind the action.

"You were almost out of chakra, I was out of chakra. The projectiles came out of nowhere and with no warning. The fact that your friend even got in front of it in time at that speed is incredible."

"Hinata saw it too." Naruto muttered. Kurama barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"They've both got the Byakugan right? You don't and I'm blind outside you without my chakra. There was nothing you could have done." Naruto threw up his hands in exasperation.

"What about Shikaku-san, huh? And Ino's dad?"

"The Ten Tails bijuu bomb was too powerful for even me to stop or move completely without extensive preparation."

"Asuma-sensei? Jiraiya?"

"You were nowhere near them and knew nothing of them."

"Nagato? Old Man Third? Granny Chiyo?" Kurama could see his desperation, his need to have a reason, to carry the weight of the blame. He acted as though, without them, he'd float away. The fox tried to gentle his voice.

"You saved Nagato, from what I can tell. The old man was up against Orochimaru and you were a genin. Granny Chiyo sacrificed herself for the Shukaku brat, not you."

"My parents?" Naruto's voice broke, baby blue eyes swimming. So here was the root of the problem. Come to think of it, it usually came back to the Fourth and Kushina with Naruto.

"They saved you, yes. But they also saved the village. You were a baby. I was being controlled by that bastard Madara Uchiha. You couldn't have done anything. And it didn't turn out so bad, right?" Kurama tried for humor and was rewarded with a brief grin. It faded almost instantly.

"Sasuke lost his arm." The argument was half-hearted.

"So did you and you both survived."

"All my friends got hurt."

"So did you, and it was war. They knew the risks."

"I messed up."

"You're human." Naruto glanced up sharply at that, a sort of shock and hunger in his eyes. Kurama repeated himself. "You're only human, so you'll screw up. But you're a human and a damn good one at that. You're allowed to trip, as long as you keep fighting." The blond blinked, tears running down his cheeks.

"I'm human." He whispered. "Not a monster?" Kurama shook his head. "Not a demon?" Again, more firmly. "Not a killer?" Again, with an unwavering stare. Naruto slumped, shaking with sobs. He released all the pain, all the grief and guilt and anger that he'd built up, flooding the space with a multicolored deluge of rain. Kurama reveled in it, watching the rain wash away the shadows and dissipate the fog. The corridors, although still twisted, widened and all of the shine that had covered lost just a bit of their dullness.

Naruto was far from whole, but it was as good a start as any. They stood in the rain, eyes closed, breaths even, feeling their souls wash clean. Then, finally, the clouds overhead parted, revealing a whole sky of stars. The constellations didn't match the ones outside, but Kurama knew them by heart. Kaa-chan, Tou-san, Nii-san, Friends, Home, Hokage, Teacher, Student, Love; all the dreams he'd ever dreamt laid out in diamonds on velvet.

"I've missed these stars." Kurama murmured faintly. Naruto nodded, smiling.

"Me too."

Sai was surprised to come in to Naruto still asleep in the morning. He checked the medication bag. The last dose Naruto had taken was at around 1:30 the previous afternoon. He studied his friend, seeing that his face was calm, his muscles relaxed. His skin had just a touch of color to it.

Sakura came in a little while later, getting to work changing his bandages immediately. Humming softly, she carefully slit the ones around his torso, pulling them back to clean the wound. Then she gasped.

"What is it?" Sai asked, no small amount of alarm in his tone. Sakura put a hand to her mouth, feeling the tears well up. She pointed to Naruto's abdomen wordlessly. Sai looked, eyes widening in utter shock.

The wound was closed, with no sign of infection. It was still red and tender, still slightly swollen with healing, but it had finally closed. Removing the bandages around his thigh, arm, and neck showed similar healing, only fragile pink skin and slightly raised welts to show he'd ever been hurt.

"He's healing." Sakura exclaimed. "His accelerated healing is working." She hugged Sai impulsively, letting go an instant later.

"I'll get Machi-chan to cover my shift. You find Kakashi and Sasuke. I'll get Hinata and Tsunade-sama." Sai nodded and they split off. All six made it back before Naruto awoke, but they were perfectly happy just to watch him sleep peacefully for once.

He awoke about an hour later, Sasuke noticing the pick up in breathing first. He silenced the group with a gesture, not wanting to overwhelm Naruto. Those blue eyes opened slowly, languidly wandering around before landing on Sasuke. A grin lit up his features.

"Morning, teme-nii."

"Dobe." Sasuke said quietly. Before he could continue, Naruto sat up, stumbling to the window with a yawn. He pulled up the bottom pane, taking a deep breath as he blinked into the sunlight.

"Geez, with a sky that blue, it's bound to be a hot one." He leaned back in again, seeming to realize there were others in the room for the first time. He chuckled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

"So, uh, you guys have been pretty worried, huh? My bad." He ducked his head, smile fading.

"Oh Naruto." Kakashi stood, placing a hand on his student's shoulder. "Welcome back." He hugged him tightly. Naruto returned the embrace.

Sakura and Tsunade hugged him as well; Sai and Sasuke settled for shoulder squeezes. Naruto was smiling a watery smile, tears dripping occasionally before he flicked them away.

Then he got to Hinata. The girl was stiff, head bowed, hands clasped. The others sensed the discomfort and shuffled out, leaving Naruto and Hinata alone. The two were perfectly still, Naruto standing before Hinata's chair. He crouched down finally, picking at the hem of his pants with eyes averted.

"I'm sorry." Hinata whispered. She felt horrible about what she'd said. It wasn't fair to him. He shook his head vehemently.

"No, what you said, it… it forced me to face what I was doing. It saved me. You were only being honest and brave. I know I can be…" He trailed off, seemingly unsure of what word to use.

"I still shouldn't have been so harsh." She countered. "I was worried it would hurt you enough to push you over." She bit her lip, unaware that Naruto had seen it. Damn, she was gorgeous.

"I always was stubborn. Not to mention stupid. But hey, it worked out, right?" He leaned forward, taking her lovely, strong hands in his. She glanced up, straight into his earnest, adoring eyes. He had a soft smile of pure love and he seemed to be simultaneously staring into her soul and memorizing her. Cautiously, tenderly, he leaned toward her, closing his eyes just as their lips met. Hinata gasped.

If their kiss had been a painting, it would have looked like a sunrise over the ocean. Bright gold at the core, softer pinks and oranges around it as all their different affections met. Below, a dark surface of past pains now glowing with the perfection and hope of the future. As steady and predictable as the passage of time, yet as fresh and new and passionate as fire or sakura trees or snowmelt swollen rivers. It was eternal, yet instantaneous. He pulled back slightly, touching his forehead against hers.

"Hinata," He said in a quiet, singsong tone. "I'm home." She let out a sound that was half sob, half laugh.

"Welcome home, Naruto." And outside, the sun shook off the embrace of the mountains and rose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably will not ever come back and edit this more. I'd love some comments and kudos but that's not why I wrote this. I wrote this to help me release pain and grief and anger from a few years ago. I just hope I can touch someone with this. Then it'll all be worth it.


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